4/5/2022

I am thinking that I need to leave New Jersey.

That I need to cut off this little piece of skin keeping me attached here, attached to Leah, and other stuff.

Work went fast and I was out before 1:30 p.m. Went to Seaside Heights, ate lunch, walked a bit, slept on the beach. With my eyes closed I heard the boom of the surf before me. The cries of gulls overhead. The high pitched buzzing of a high-flying drone heading north on some incomprehensible errand. At times sand can form to one's body but at other times sand can be very uncomfortable, unyielding, and bothersome. Still the nap on the beach helped reset my brain because I had a bit of a breakdown on Monday morning. I requested a recommendation for an accountant to do my taxes, the recommendation I phoned said they weren't taking new clients, I let the recommender know and they lambasted me saying the accountant's office remarked that I was rude. I rethought everything about life in a hot second, how someone will take a stranger's word over my own, and I spiralled a bit.

I am a bit better. Trying hard to not smoke. It helps with anxiety but I need to learn to manage anxiety rather than hide behind a smokescreen. I don't crave it, I''m not addicted, but I know it can help. I hear Leah's voice in my head asking, "Why suffer?"

Today I spoke briefly with Leah about taxes since I need to get a copy of my 2020 taxes for the accountant who is taking new clients. I heard from my friends in Egg Harbor City, Beachwood, and Bloomfield. Also from Sarah. On Thursday afternoon I am going to therapy because of how I spiralled on Monday morning.
On Sunday night I learned I may have hooked up my friend in LBI with a new plug. Sunday morning I had a Snapchat message waiting for me, LBI needed a reliable plug except my main dealer is in Livingston which is exceedingly unreasonable with current gas prices and inflation. Then I remembered my friend in Whiting who dabbles, passed along their details even though LBI said Whiting was way too far. Yet my friend in Whiting said LBI contacted them and hopefully this will work out for both people.

I thought about hurting myself. I wrestled that thought and pinned it, but it took a lot of energy and it's still shouting at me after its defeat.

Right now I'ma affirming my current mood is situational and I'm doing everything in my power to mitigate the situation.

utopia

Utopia is not a destination, it's a journey. Utopia happens in a moment then fades away. Or as Zan Romanoff writes, utopia is a conversation. Utopia is 'anything that offers something other than capital and death'.
In her review and essay inspired by Adrian Shirk's Heaven is a Place on Earth she describes the various moments where utopia exists. My mind synthesized the knowledge as utopia which happens in four dimensions. One can draw a straight line through the w-axis of a four dimensional graph but to observers in the third, second, and first dimension those points are random.
From there, I went off the deep end. My hypothesis that Hurricane Sandy was just an echo of a greater storm raging in the fourth dimension and our part of the third dimension happened to encounter a potent moment of that greater storm which also struck sometime back in the 1950s, wreaking similar damage to the Seaside Heights boardwalk. Also how Funtown Pier burned down in 1955 then Funtown Pier burned again in 2013.
Another, less kooky, example of this phenomenon is how World War 3 is happening in slow motion rather than being over in eight hours leaving behind radioactive ash and charred bones. World War 3 is a slow burn where the mideast was torn apart for nearly two decades, now Russia is attempting to provoke a wider conflict under the guise of "fighting Nazis" who are the Azov Battalion, and in the midst of it all is the COVID-19 pandemic killing 6 million people over nearly three years. I hope I am wrong and just peddling woo.

I sincerely hope there will be more good happening and coming to Earth, traveling through the fourth dimension from a single phenomenon to mitigate all the agita and angst formenting over the past twenty years.