4/18/2022

There was plenty of oneiric chaos in my head until the early morning hours when my dreams seemed to come into focus. This dream, to me, seemed unusual because I retained so much agency.

I was living somewhere which wasn't my current lodgings. There were two twentysomething girls living next door who could come and go as they pleased from my apartment. From a distance they could've been twins, but up close their faces were different and other differences were plainly evident to an observer. I was sitting on my bed when one came in and she was taking off her clothes. I grabbed my bathrobe, the one I received as a Christmas gift in 2021, and urged her to put it on. I asked her if she thought kinks were genetic or learned. I went on to explain how I'd be disgusted and swear off anything sexual if kinks were learned by observation. I mentioned how, unfortunately, I did see my parents naked during my childhood and supposedly that's normal and I was disturbed by the thought of my kinks being influenced by, potentially, other shit I might've witnessed by accident.

Neighbor 1 listened and assured me that whatever floats my boat isn't influenced by my parents, nor is it genetic. Most likely being a stupid kid and conflating nascent arousal built a foundation upon which my sexuality was built upon naïvete. It was then we started to play. I blacked out for a bit then came around, finding her spooning with her roommate but she was done playing with me.

I don't recall much else.

mangoes

Easter afternoon I went to the supermarket to buy crap. Being Easter, I wanted chocolate. With chocolate, I thought about smoking weed. Waddled my way to the fridge aisle and there was a black woman buying kombucha near where I was going to buy mango kombucha. Mangoes contain a terpene called myrcene which enhances the high from smoking weed. "What kind didja get?"
"I'm trying this one." They were bottles with the word "clear" on them.
"I'm getting mango." I lean in conspiratorially, "Mangos have an enzyme that boosts the high."
"Ooh, I should follow you on Instagram." I grabbed my bottle and walked away. Looking back, she was grabbing one with excitement.
Fuck, I should've given my number or something.

easter

My friend in Haddonfield, NJ mentioned on April the 5th that she'd get back to me about Easter. I reached out on Friday.

Hey there, want to check in about Easter. Isit still on? Will my being there make it weird?

So you being there won't make it weird however I don't know how things are going to go down with my separated spouse and I don't want you caught in the crossfire. I'm sorry.

Okay. Understood entirely.

Sorry again

So Easter was spent at home playing on the BoneQuest Minecraft server.

On the bright side, I texted my good morning people with "Good morning. He may be risen but I'm sleeping in."
Haddonfield texted me a good morning and I responded that to her right away, figured it was good and sent it out four more times to the rest.

disco elysium

I finished Disco Elysium. It was good. It was affecting. I sympathized with the protagonist and was happy he was accompanied by his deuteragonist.

Jaybird bought me the game back in 2021 because he said a portion reminded him of me. My first attempt to play was short-lived and I put it aside. In my defense, I was going through a tough life moment.

March of '22 I began playing it again from the beginning, chose to play a sensitive preset character than build my own. A little bit into the game I asked my friend OnlyWednesdayMu about the game, telling him my friend in Colorado bought it for me because one scene reminded him of me. Wednesday paused and agreed. After finishing the game I contacted Wednesday.

a screenshot from the mobile app called telegram featuring a conversation between myself and my friend wednesday. wednesday: so wednesday: what did you think? me: The phasmid was kind wednesday: the phasmid in particular is what made me think of you me: The high strangeness? wednesday: partially, but also just an incredibly odd encounter with a very kind being

On Twitter I reached out to Jaybird.

Was it this?

a photograph of a screen from the video game disco elysium. text shown is — you: You're right. I'm sorry. You're soft and good, not a mass murderer. dolores dei: I'm not that either... Can't I just *be*? you: You're not even human. dolors dei: She shakes her head. I am actually very ordinary, Harry. Below this gown and wreath I have an ordinary soul and ordinary thoughts. The only thing inhuman about me is this... She looks around. This *thing* you've made me into. I'm sorry for saying so, but I just *hate* it. What is this? This is so far gone, Harry, I don't even... There are two dialogue selections available 1. No, you're special. You had glowing lungs. and 2. Okay, I'm not gonna push it. I have other questions.

For context, that's a spoiler and involves the protagonist talking to a religious figure whom he conflates with the woman who left him.

No... you know what, I didn't see that part.
But if you thought that was awesome, awesome.
There's still other awesome stuff coming!

Dolores Dei was not awesome. It ripped me up. I saw me, I saw how I get hung up on women, I saw how I hurt myself, how I elevate women into something divine rather than appreciating their mortal souls.

Oh, I'm sorry that it ripped you up.
I didn't mean that to happen!
But that's not the thing that made me say "Dude, he needs to play it."

I finished the game. Went outside to watch the sunset over the 'hood, phoned Jaybird but left a voicemail asking if it was about the phasmid.

I'm glad the phasmid was kind and told Harry he will get over her, and do something for the people.

Yes. Exactly. It was the Phasmid.

I'm still thinking the game and its story over.

Valid xHTML Transitional!