8/23/2022
I did nothing for the fortean/anomalistics website last week and took off the weekend, proper-like, instead of doing write-ups ahead of time and submitting them for later posting. Nor was I banging shit out on Friday so my weekend was free.
Day job work was rough. There was a project I needed to fix because a substitute searcher dropped the ball so I was run ragged getting old deeds and whatnot, not to mention running people out from nineteen-dickity-whatever to the current date. A few had peasant names like Brown, Smith, Russo, etc., while others had surnames beginning with B, F, and G which tend to be as onerous as peasant names.
I say they're peasant names because they couldn't afford unique names.
Fortunately I scheduled a day off for Friday the 19th and that worked out well for me. A day of doing nothing beyond prepping for the play party on Saturday.
On Friday night I saw one of the munch attendees post that they needed a ride because their usual ride wasn't available. I messaged her that I'd be happy to oblige, even if it was 20 minutes away from the party, since I was already going to be doing a long haul. She accepted but the next morning she messaged me how she arranged a lift from someone who lived closer to her.
Yes, I was disappointed because I hoped the ride would afford me the opportunity to talk with her and get to know her. Plus I posted a funny, yet honest, review from Amazon found by my friend Tim in Massachusetts in regards to miracleberry tablets. See below! She 'liked' the photo and I was going to give her one, but emphasize I thought she would find it interesting rather than being hit on. If I was going to hit on her, I would've bought that little black-and-blue dragon beanie baby at Shop-Rite except it was $10.99 plus tax because she's "little", and I was feeling very much like a Lakewood rabbi.
Saturday passes quickly, the ride down to Berlin, New Jersey was pleasant but long but the route avoided tolls. I arrived a little after 4:20 p.m. and, as usual, I was the first person to arrive. I microdosed to kill any bugs up my ass so I could relax and enjoy myself. Held the solution in the mouth for the duration of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" because I really wanted it to work. Afterwards one of the hosts showed me the dungeon, we discussed how the party goes, the "high school" culture of the Philadelpha scene acting all exclusive like their shit doesn't stink, and how they're trying to build a culture in south Jersey running contrary to the Philly scene. Soon folks begin to trickle in and that's when I had a drug-induced epiphany.
Here's what I texted my therapist.
I overheard that some little (n.b. the aforementioned little) broke up their relationship and the hostess said to her as advice, "You can't wait for people to change."
Anyway I had a flash because I hoped maybe somehow Leah would change or understand my needs without me being explicit beause I didn't want to insult her intelligence, social or regular intelligence.
I think I realized that I put so much in my decisions and I know it seems Leah and I got married fast but I did put a lot of thought into it, even if it was right-brain thinking.
So I am being myself up over some weird perfectionism. How I don't want it to be that I fucked up because that cunt (biological mother) was so fucking hard on me to do things right the first time.
And I've just been playing that tape over and over and over.
And when things fail, I can only blame myself.
Not appreciate other's contributions.
And in that anger I make things black and white with no gray. None.
It's ciircumstantial, not endemic AFAIK
Even now I don't know if I am talking out of my ass
But when it comes to doing something, I consider myself to be pathologically deliberate to the point of freezing up
I don't know. But it was such a surprising thought which came to me and figured I'd share with you.
I shouldn't have had expectations nor put all my chips on expectations, rather betting on actual events and actions in small pieces.
This rattled me. My social gas tank shrunk. Plus the LSD microdose wasn't making me more social but more introspective, which is not good. Plus I'm much better one-on-one rather than in a group. On the other hand, I might be selling myself short and playing a safe hand of fear than taking a chance.
I made the acquaintance of three cats. Leo, Spot, and Gizmo. Leo was a huge fluffy ginger-ish cat, Spot was a black cat with long hair, and Gizmo was another long haired ginger-ish cat except Gizmo appeared to have been shorn in order to avoid overheating in the summertime. Gizmo looked silly with floofy legs, tail, and head while the rest was close-cut. Leo was cordial, Gizmo was polite but aloof, yet Spot was an affectionate kitty.
I saw Gizmo first laying behind a couch, went to pet him and asked his name, whereupon I learned of the other cats. Leo was perfectly happy to be stroked but I didn't want to trouble him with too much attention since I know cat personalities. Gizmo seems to be an outside-only cat and he came up to me to sniff my sneakers when I called him with 'ps-ps-ps'. Spot made an appearance later by jumping onto a bench beside me and laying down. I stroked Spot then Spot shifted their position to lay on top of my hand. When I moved my hand from out of under Spot, Spot gave me a look of, "Are you an idiot? I'm trying to be friendly."
As for humans, I remember some names but I recall faces better. The usuals from the munch were a no-brainer while the new folks require more interaction and contact. One person I wasn't particularly keen on because during the introductions to me, she felt the need to say "There's going to be a test later" and that made me anxious (yes, it's stupid) and my attempts to remember much of anything else were for naught.
As sunset happened, folks began migrating downstairs. I was under the impression that folks stayed upstairs and gave people their privacy during their scenes, but the host invited me to come downstairs whereupon I explained my preconceived notion. "No, it's perfectly normal for people to come downstairs and watch."
Well, okay.
One sub was having her scene wrap up on the St. Andrews cross. As expected the basement/dungeon was markedly cooler than upstairs. For those playing along at home the upstairs was a degree or two warmer than the outside because of the humans. There was an air condition but it was more of a notion than doing anything worthwhile to affect the indoor climate for the better.
Feeling a little uncomfortable, but also socially overwhelmed, I went upstairs and stared at the trees then the sky trying to find which planets were up that night. Reckon that was about the time I met Gizmo. Did I mention it was cooler outside? It was cooler outside.
When I returned, the little I mentioned before was having her turn getting her punishment. Winds up she got an hours worth of spanking from which I had to take a break twice. She didn't really react, took the swats like a champ from various implements, and the dom knew what he was doing. Most of the other party-goers sat, watched, and chatted with one another. I can only say that she was probably having a great time but, maybe it was my headspace, it was a little like watching paint dry.
Time marched on.
I wasn't getting tired probably because of the LSD microdose but when I sat down a little before midnight to read in the living room while the little was receiving aftercare. At the moment I'm going through The Year's Best Science Fiction Volume 2 edited by Jonathan Strahan and one story just read as utter rubbish and marked it as such on the tale's introduction page. Flipped through the book for another tale I hadn't read, each story gets a pencilled star to mark them as being read, but when I tried to read that I couldn't concentrate and determined I was close to becoming overtired and unpleasant necessitating my return to Neptune, New Jersey.
I bid a few farewells and drove off in the humid night.
I was home by 2 a.m. and fast asleep once I lay in bed.
texting leah
Being lazy and unable to concentrate right now, I'm going to copy and paste the walls of text I sent to Leah when she enquired about my well-being on Sunday.
I continue to be in less pain every day. On Thursday I thought I overdid my physical therapy and on Friday there was that "postage stamp" of fiery pain on my left heel but that went away tout de suite on Saturday. I took a chance and participated in a social event on Saturday night and felt good.
Why? Because I realized my going up-and-down stairs in Neptune is because the porch stairs are rickety and ghetto and I'm trying to avoid going ass-over-teakettle. At the party I was able to go up and down the stairs like a normal adult and I was very proud of myself.
I did microdose LSD when I arrived and while it did kill any bugs up my ass, I had some realizations which required me to text Lynn and try to sort them out. These thoughts made me withdraw a bit and become contemplative. On the bright side I sat out on the porch a few times when I felt socially "overheated" and the place was someplace rural and quiet.
There were three cats and I was able to say hello to them all. Beyond that the gathering was low-key, the food was good, and I pushed myself to get out of this shell that I've been in since my November injury.
Before I drove to Berlin, NJ for the gathering I fixed the outside locks on the doors. This is going to be a little problematic but I hope it's residual stuff from my biological parents rather than something endemic to me. The landlord hired someone to change the locks on the back door except the locks were replaced upside down and backwards. Okay fine, I can deal with that.
This week the landlord himself replaced and rekeyed the front door locks and he completely jumbled it up. I told him the lock plate being out of whack was a security risk and noted how the doorknob was upside-down. He was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it" which is where I had my first problematic thought. You're a smart woman who knows me, so you know the road my mind briefly went down.
So on Saturday I pulled out my toolbox and drill, fixed the front door proper-like and received gratitude. Honestly it's about protecting my ass. I made small talk with Soccer Guy about the locks, he had already complained about the can opener available in the kitchen being sub-par, and Soccer Guy said "You don't want the person who installed the new locks to fix them if they already screwed them up."
Good point. So I just fixed the back door locks this afternoon. Then I requested a new smartphone from AT&T because this one is on its last legs. It's just $2/month and I can swing that. The new phone arrives tomorrow.
No idea what I'll do with the rest of my day.
Wow that's a lot but all mostly good stuff. And I think it is nice that you helped out your landlord, even if overall you benefitted mentally from it too.
Also, nice that you went to a PARTY
That's amazing actually.
nota bene: Again the munch is my support group to Leah and it literally is my support group because I'm trying to build confidence, communication, and trust with other people. Back to the thread:
"""party"""""""
Still lol
texting rameen
Rameen was in attendance at the party and she just socialized. Part of me was afraid I was 'yucking her yum' by being there.
Hey, how are you? You looked upset yesterday.
Here's the skinny. When I arrived, I microdosed because (as I put it to Ken) I wanted to kill any bugs up my ass and relax. I haven't been out around other humans for an extended period for months in this fashion. I am already trying to fight a retreat from the world at large and it's easy because I'm far more mobile and so much less pain. So much less.
Anyway as it goes with microdosing LSD, I had an epiphany about my personal life and the significant major change in my personal life that continues to haunt me. To be brief, because I consider you a friend, I am very deliberate about choices in life and have a perfectionist streak. I know it comes from being raised by my biological mother and her toxic personality.
As it goes, I realized I am beating myself up over the failure of the marriage and how I was so damned certain this was a sure thing but like all humans I am fallible and shit happens. As it goes, the epiphany rung my bell and I texted my therapist a few times to sort my thoughts. I am okay and found some peace.
Last night was a new experience, it was not like a Hollywood depiction of play space (I had no expectations) and I was happy about that, there were new people there so my social energy kept getting drained necessitating me heading out onto the porch to sit in quiet to recharge, but around midnight or thereabouts when I tried to read the words in the book weren't making sense and I knew I had to bounce and get home for sleep.
Also felt weird being there by myself but I toughed it out. Just still need to work out my misinformed perceptions of judgement and being self-conscious or worrying that I'm not keeping a poker face.
Rameen, thank you for reaching out. Srsly.
I'm sure you're keeping a poker face. I just read people differently.
Your doing great and I'm pleased to hear you are putting the efforts into yourself and personal growth.
Please reach out if you ever need feedback or to vent.
Thank you. Also new phone tomorrow!!!11
Also, esprit de l'escalier, thank you for explicitly leaving the door open. Sometimes my wires get crossed and forget I can always reach out to friends.
undated dream
Reckon this dream happened sometime between the 19th and Saturday the 20th
Only thing I recall was having pet frogs or toads. I was petting them and was surprised their skin was covered in very fine, scaly feathers indistinguishable from the typical skin of frogs and toads.
wrapping up
My new phone arrived today and I'm transferring data from the old phone to the new phone. I discovered that my old phone didn't have a microSD card and all this time I thought that card had broke and the data was unretrievable. Went ahead and ordered a new microSD card just for my phone. I know I had two microSD cards but I can't find the one for my phone, just the one for storage with my Raspberry Pi.
Also among my purchases over the weekend are a new case for my new phone, a new can opener since the one available here is ghetto, and a pizza cutter. The latter won't get much use but during my first year I realized how important it is to have one.
