12/14/2022

My first day back in the office had me in Monmouth. As usual I just work and pay no mind to anyone else because I just want to get shit done instead of having sidebar conversations. While running out my second job I had a bit of a revelation that I'm an awful perfectionist.
A perfectionist because I'm uncompromising with myself, won't accept failure at any time, have a harsh inner critic redolent of my biological mother, among other flaws. The thought came to me because my mind wandered and I thought about the game Rinworld, a science fiction colony sim that generates a story about the colony. One of the goals is to have a thriving colony, yet another goal is to get off-world by finding or building a new starship, while there's a third path for playing Rimworld: Just letting shit play out and reading the colony's story later if the colony fails or the colonists leave the planet, and so forth. I keep starting but I tend to quit or abandon a colony if things aren't going well enough. To my credit some games were abandoned because I forgot where I was and my plans for their future. Rather than toughing something out, finding a way to make something work, or simply going with the flow is not part of my character.
As I'm writing this the thought crossed my mind that the fact I'm so rigid with my thinking and tend to see things as black or white without shades of gray probably go hand-in-hand with this shitty manifestation of perfectionism.
I texted my therapist, who hasn't texted me back, but I'll bug her tomorrow since she tends to be absent-minded.

Keeping with this theme I listened to an episode of The Academic Imperfectionist where the host, Rebecca, talked about using kinder language when talking to oneself. The language one would use for another person rather than echoing one's harsh inner critic. Also how it's supposed to be uncomfortable and difficult to "get in the zone" and focus on a task, whether it's a video game, a book, or a work project.
These podcasts are short and I listened to it twice. The second listen had me remembering how when I began studying Esperanto in earnest back in late 2016 and early 2017, and how now I'm pretty fluent and can have a conversation online with minimal consultation of English to Esperanto dictionaries. Another way to put it is "It takes ten years to become an expert at something". I hope someone other than Malcolm "Cherry Picker" Gladwell said this before he included it in Outliers. Even better, an anecdote from Dave Sim from when he either spoke with Bernie Wrightson of Swamp Thing fame or read something concerning Bernie Wrightson who said, "You have 10,000 bad drawings in you. When you draw the 10,001st drawing, it will be better." Even then Dave Sim is problematic above and beyond his misogyny but at least the quote is from someone other than Sim, ĉu ne?

As for the rest of my week I'll be attending a munch on Thursday night then attending another munch in Matawan on Saturday night that's gaming oriented. Hoping things are looking up for me in a social context and I'll feel less lonely. Just need to remind myself that I need to put forth effort rather than waiting for things to fall into my lap. Being at a munch is fine, considering how Woody Allen said 80% of success is showing up, but interacting with the people and getting to know them is what makes shit happen in life.