2/28/2022

I went for a walk on the Asbury Park boardwalk on Sunday with Leah. It went alright but it was very challenging for me. We walked side by side and deep down I was waiting for her to take my hand, and I had to exercise minor self control to not take her hand.

Leah brought up how Edna's parents now live in Ohio and New Jersey, moving back and forth as needed. Leah did make a comment how she never really speaks with Edna, to which I responded that Edna has to take a dick out of her mouth to say something nowadays.

Later at home I thought about Edna LaMontagne Vogele. About this one time where we were doing bookkeeping at her parents's place in New Brunswick. Reckon it was a few months before I had to leave the practice. I found Edna to be a bit stand-offish but whatever. Being who I am, I resigned myself that Leah had ruined my friendship with Edna. Or maybe her husband Ken ruined it. I resigned myself, as I just said, because I think I only deserve bad things. Beating myself up inside aside, it was a weekend where we actually did some bookkeeping but didn't have any real friend time together. The next morning Edna invited me to come along with her to church because her father Paul was giving a sermon or something. Being who I am, I politely declined and said I'd just tidy up and lock up behind me.
With avoir l'esprit d'escalier, I think Edna was testing me. Despite all her whoring around and so-called polyamory, which in my opinion is making up for all the lost time with Edna having gotten pregnant in high school and then married upon graduation with little in the way of sexual exploration beforehand. And yet she has no guilt nor remorse for cheating multiple times on her husband.
I digress.
Despite all of Edna's non-Christian activities, her faith is startlingly (and frighteningly) important to her. I glimpsed her OK Cupid profile once and she insinuated there that she also wanted a lover who felt the same way about her god. This may come across as narcissistic but if Edna was sizing me up then it'd make sense she'd invite me to church with her despite knowing about my agnosticism and weird spirituality concerning water and cephalopods by doing psilocybin mushrooms for two years. Since I didn't want to sit around, getting a numb ass on a hard pew, surrounded by zombies worshipping a zombie, I stayed home.

If I knew what I know now, would I have gone? Depends. Depends on whether or not it was just a test branch of this timeline and I could hit eject to return to the point of divergence and continue with life-as-I-know it now. If so, then yes. If not, probably no. Even then, that no is a 60%/40% based on what I know now but the argument for that no is based on how she treated her husband shitty, and most likely she would've been shitty to me, and presumably shitty to the other guys she fucked if Edna LaMontagne Voegele found them emotionally attached to her. Honestly, I reckon they saw her for what she is: A thicc redheaded milf good for one thing — steady fuckin'.

Perhaps it's good I had tunnel vision during those bookkeeping days. Shame my tunnel vision's basis lay in a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness and not believing any woman would be interested in me, but then again it may be from being on the spectrum.

Who knows?

Who cares?

Monday morning quarterbacking helps no one and accomplishes nothing.