1/4/2022

Christmas of 2020 I received a $100 gift card from my employer. Christmas of 2021 meant I received a $50 gift card. Why the smaller amount? I have no fucking idea.

I bought myself a science fiction anthology, which I have been reading, but also a new bathrobe. Turns out I was short 20¢, Amazon doesn't have any way of hitting another card to pick up the slack, and I cancelled the order. A few days later I ordered some lions mane supplements off Amazon. Supposedly lions mane mushrooms have antiinflammatory properties which allegedly alleviate symptoms of minor anxiety and depression.
Of late I've been feeling myself on a steady keel, approaching depressive moments with reason and some logic, and since it's not my money I figured this would be a worthwhile way to throw away the remainder of my meager holiday money. Started taking them on Monday and will see how I feel when the final capsules have been taken in 29 days time.

Received a Christmas card from my friend Eric in Virginia and emailed him my thanks. He's been married three times. The most recent has him still with his wife, two young daughters, and two cats. "Wanted to say you were on my mind this lonely weekend because if you were able to find love, companionship, (cat names) on top of family then sure as heck I will."
Surprisingly he responded pretty quickly, "Chris, I've been thinking about you. The holidays are THE worst time after a separation—it's brutal, I know. You're in the belly of the beast. But things will get better."

After two months of my phone being lively with activity, things have quieted down. I have no idea if Bloomfield is taking me-time or if they're taking a step back. We had a good, brief chat on Sunday night so I'm probably reading into things out of anxiety. Which is why I want to try these lions mane supplements.

I want to find out what are learned cycles of thinking, what has a basis in depression, or what may have a chemical rather than a mental basis.

Right now I don't want to spiral because I'm doing alright treading water. At the moment I only have an infrequent cough, rather than a hack which doesn't clear my lungs. I can walk again! These are good things and I want them to be resilient rather than breaking down in a fit of pique because nobody's paying attention to me.

Guess the only thing I can do is breathe, like my therapist frequently suggests when she sees me working myself over.

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