1/5/2022

I am playing Stardew Valley again and accomplished some major goals. The boat to Ginger Island behind Willie's tackle shop has been made seaworthy again. Yes I have visited Ginger Island. The Community Center is open for business and Joja Mart is closed for good. Joja Mart is their in-universe version of Wal-Mart. Finally I reached dungeon level 100 in the Skull Caverns and met Mr. Qi. Note I made a bunch of stairs and bought the rest with pieces of jade making the trip very doable. In the process I acquired about 65 iridium and a prismatic shard.

That's not why I'm talking about Stardew Valley.

After completing my first year in-game, I was thinking about either marrying Penny or Emily. Penny is the schoolmarm and Emily is the free-spirit who lives with her sister. The former is a bit stodgy and doesn't get creative so I chose Emily, gave her the mermaid pendant, and Lewis wed us. One thing I discovered is, in addition to talking to Emily, I can also give her a kiss in the morning. Or anytime I want. Stupid as it sounds, the virtual affection gets to me behind the keyboard.

I remind myself this is not forever. Life changes. Don't give up and take life one day at a time. But in the meantime, it stings.

snippet from a dream

In a dream during the early morning hours of Tuesday, I heard myself say that Leah frightened me. In fact, she still frightens me after a fashion. After my statement, I stirred and found myself in bed and stuck in waking life. In that limnal state between dream and wakefulness a thought comparing her to my biological mother was seriously humored then dismissed with prejudice.

The idea still haunts me.

lion's mane mushrooms

I earnestly hope how I felt throughout Tuesday wasn't a placebo effect. Nearly last minute, fifteen minutes before I stumped out of the house in my immobilization boot, I took my daily medication and supplements which now includes the lion's mane supplements. According to the Host Defense bottle, it says to take two capsules a day. Hopefully I don't sound like a certain alt-right podcaster with a career in mixed martial arts, but lion's mane mushrooms supposdly have "powerful" anti-inflammatory and antioxidants which more readily cross the blood-brain barrier than others. For what it's worth inflammation is considered to be a source of depression. Much to my surprise inflammatory agents are released by fat tissue, potentially contributing to depression which I find interesting because when I stress eat I tend to say I'm medicating. Moreso, when I was prescribed citalopram for a few years I ballooned in weight. My own nutty theory is citalopram caused an uptake in serotonin, coupled with the serotonin from eating, and my body wanted to be "happy" so I began gorging myself without regard for my health to maintain the flow of serotonin which was minimal or subpar.

Overall I feel "better", intrusive voices having the volume turned down or completely absent. Will see how I fare over the next 29 days.

speaking of anxiety

Right now I have some anxiety. Mostly about winding up alone, stuck living in Lovecraftian poverty for the remainder of my days. At least HPL had friends, got out, travelled, and had extensive correspondence with others. Then again I have different opportunities for making friends and communicating which could seem alien to his 18th century sensibilities.
Today at the courthouse I had a brief chat about films based upon my reaction to Don't Look Up. Don't Look Up claims to be a satire of contemporary America, media, and politics couched in a doomsday scenario featuring a cavalcade of stars. When I watched the opening credits for the film, I recognized many of the names and my heart sank a bit because I figured this would be normiecore entertainment. If I didn't recognize the celebrities in the cast, maybe it would've been different? Fifty three minutes in I had to turn it off. I just couldn't handle how the film kept winking at me. I could feel its earnest elbow in my ribs and hear its laugh in my ear hoping get me to start laughing too.
Nope. Wasn't gonna happen. Every joke was a blackjack to the back of my head leaving me annoyed with an insulted intelligence from their attempts at satire.
Anyway I said Don't Look Up wasn't very good, one of the title searchers was surprised but remarked the film did have mixed reviews then asked me what I think are good films. I hate being put on the spot because it makes my mind go blank. The only good film I remembered was Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse but felt remarkably stupid the only film on my lips was a cape film. Fortunately I had my smartphone and a few searches later I mentioned Parasite, Uncut Gems, followed by Twelve Monkeys and Excalibur. I felt much better and less dumb for only remembering capeshit.
Earlier in the day I pinged OnlyWednesdayMu because I couldn't remember the name of some racist, conservative comedian that he namechecks often on Discord. I needed the name to add to a roster of contemporary villains who are far worse than H.P. Lovecraft. On reddit someone started a thread which boiled down to "HPL isn't what everyone thought he was" but began with the standard preface of "Yes, Lovecraft was racist." To which I argued Grandpaw Theobald was hardly a member nor supporter of the American Bund, didn't light up crosses, nor cheer for lynchings, equating him to being an edgy "internet tough guy" of the early 20th century than odious others I won't mention here. Maybe this weekend I'll repost my comment here, using cyrillic analogues to latin characters for obfuscation and to avoid my site being a flame to alt-right moths.

Like I've stated earlier on inkubo.org, this is not forever. Nothing is static, Everything is changing. I have agency to affect change rather than being at the mercy of the fates or eating shit while hoping I'll sprout wings real soon to reach my reward in heaven. Just a challenge to believe the statement and believe in myself.

Reckon I should see if my therapist has any openings later in the week. There's something else I need to talk to her about which feels minor, but affects how I see myself as someone who considers themselves to be liberal and liberal-minded.

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