On Monday night I texted my friend in Matawan to see if they would pull a single tarot card for me. Turns out they were asleep and didn't get back to me 'til Tuesday morning. When I woke in the early morning hours of Tuesday from the pain in my left knee, I thought to myself how most likely they'd pull The Tower for me. Come 6 a.m., when I couldn't sleep anymore and wanted to start my day, I searched "random tarot card", this site was the top result (a no brainer considering the URL), and clicked the card it presented me.

a photograph of my web browser showing the site randomtarotcard dot com and how it showed me the tower major arcana of the tarot. the deck used is the rider waite tarot.

I texted my friend that photo and heard back. "Major changes coming, Lovey. Sorry, just waking up now.."

Followed up with, "Pardon, I don't want to pester you. I think of you like a cat you approach when others aren't vying for your attention, but also I am fond of cats too. Definitely mean this different unlike my sister who meant it in a nasty and dismissive way. Then again, she likes little deformed dogs. Dog people are weird."

"Lol.... that's all very funny. I'm definitely a cat not a dog. And this kitty fell right back asleep and just getting up now lol. You didn't pester me at all... I hate when I pull Tower. Tower always means discomfort bc change is always uncomfortable. I feel like I always need another card or two for clarification... grabbing my deck for you..."

"Thank you, I am beginning my work commute rn so if I don't respond kindly understand"

"I don't like these cards lol" I have no idea if Matawan was referring to the deck, the cards pulled, or the message conveyed by these cards in the context of the major arcana of The Tower.

a photograph sent to me from my friend in matawan showing the seven of swords and the five of pentacles from the minor arcana of the tower. the deck used is crowley's thoth tarot.

"7 of swords and I pulled a 5 of pentacles for further clarification. Both relate to inactivity and worry. That paired with your tower suggests your brooding over something that needs/should change but not really doing anything about it or taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal. Resonate at all?"

"Yes." In fact it was more like a 'hell yes' in my head. I wanted to tell Matawan more details and how this was spot on, but they wouldn't be available for a phone chat. In fact I haven't spoken with them on the phone in more than a year and haven't said much substantiative about my life beyond the superficialities.

"I'm sorry. I wish I'd have picked some super fun a d hopeful cards lol.... this is why I hate pulling. But it doesn't have to be bad. It can serve as motivation to change your fate. But again: change is so damned uncomfortable"

my response

Basically my friend in Matawan is unaware of my situation beyond being told to move out and my injuries. They were my first visitor in Neptune, for what it's worth. What stood out was that both cards relate to inactivity and worry. Having the Achilles tendon injuries, the rise of inflation, the slowdown of the housing market, perceiving mixed signals from my employer about their situation as a company.
For example, my direct report's manager making sidelong references of "We're trying to avoid laying people off" swiftly followed by, "We're not laying people off" which gives me whiplash because growing up my biological father would make such statements or promises, act like he's doing something, then completely drop the ball and he's only unable to shrug. Yet another aside, it's like my assessment of President Joe Biden, "He's the kind of guy who will hear that your spouse died then respond, 'Wow that must really suck for you.' On the other hand, Biden's predecessor wouldn't give a shit either way.
Also contributing to my inactivity in the context of "your brooding over something that needs/should change but not really doing anything about it or taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal" is being afraid to start this course on investing in mortgage notes for a secondary income with the potential to become a primary source of income. Why? Because I'm afraid of failure, I believe I'm a fuck-up, and unrealistically only want to dabble in things which are a sure bet. Also fear which I am rationalizing with the hike in interest rates, essentially turning off the faucet of free money from the federal government to help folks get a house, and some other minor economic hobgoblins as to whether I have the liquidity to start this pursuit from an organizational angle, i.e. establishing a limited liability company and getting a lawyer and accountant on contingency at the very least in addtion to New Jersey being adversarial to business.
Playing into my own mental issues, it's about affirmation. Social media gives me affirmation but I'm not about to turn a buck with my Twitter accounts. I need affirmation. Sure my biological father would say "You can do anything you want", but not really give a shit nor be involved with my life in any fashion. My biological mother, from my perspective, only saw me as an obstacle and a source of frustration in her life. Once the novelty of a baby wore off, compounded by the birth of my sister, and the attention given to a new mother faded away I earnestly believe my biological mother didn't realize what she got herself into and regretted it after the fact. Heaping on that, my biological father is two-faced and (unsurprisngly) a coward. He'll be all sunshine and flowers encountering someone in the supermarket but once they were out of sight and earshot, he'd grumble about them and having to be nice to them. Not to mention how he'd declare his undying love for my biological mother in one breath then turn around to tear her to shreds in the next. Despite his affirmations of never talking shit about me to my mother or other people, I didn't believe nor trust him. Worse, my mother would be verbally and emotionally abusive to me and sometimes the bullet points she brought up could have only come from my biological father.

Which brings me back to yesterday's entry concerning my growing understanding of the psychology and physiology of addiction. Since there's pain, its bringing down my mood and that is exascerbated by being unable to engage in physical activity. Last year I walked to the Asbury Park boardwalk on a regular basis and before that I was an avid cyclist. Not Lance Ar^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Eddy Merckx but enough for my own enjoyment and advancing my physical health. Since Thanksgiving I've been a slug (as Leah would describe herself at times), growing fatter with help from marijuana, in addition to physical isolation despite the COVID-19 pandemic winding down. If it wasn't for my god damned phone things would be worse.

After writing this out, I wonder if I should make an appointment with my therapist and hash some crap out. Right now I'm 75%/25% weighted towards 'yes'.

Valid xHTML Transitional!