10/3/2022

Okay I dreamt about Edna.

It was like the time I went to visit her and wound up babysitting her daughter who was busy playing Five Nights At Freddie's with her friend while Edna slept the day away upstairs. Except in this case I went upstairs and found her asleep. I pulled up her blanket at the bottom of the bed and revealed her feet and toes, then her legs which were remarkably 'thicc' as the kids like to call 'em nowadays. I stroked and petted her skin but never went above the waistline. I remember in the dream her toes were very small and very round.

Here's what I wrote at Johnny Mac's just to fill up space.

I miss Leah.

Going to Costco with her yesterday was fine, but sitting aross from her, talking with her, and hearing our conversation about the marriage became emotionally rough for me. It raised a conflict in my mind about missing her, but also remembering the mean things she did and said to me. How I interpreted what she said as essentially echoing Bloomfield's admonition, "You are both good people, but not good together." Yet I still have that laser focus, or at least I find it easy to refocus myself on Leah out of habit which gives me a sense of comfort.

Leah was talking to me like a human. Not some retarded dog.

Me.

I rarely feel that nowadays but it's either my armor of introversion, my social awkwardness, or something else. I did risk butting myself out there with that person with a temper, but their temper seems to be more vigorous than my own. The kind of anger where people get profoundly hurt and there is no remorse. Now I fear this person would've eventually cut me mortally, unlike Leah. At least I could weather Leah at her worst.

Already spoke with two women, but also my Sea Dragon from the bartenderess, but I reckon counting her as a conversation with a woman would be cheating.

And to think I thought I might have to raise the ante by increasing the number of conversations to five, instead of three.

Honestly I feel like an autistic little kid, carrying my toys (notebook, pen, phone, reading lamp, glasses, et al.), and hiding behind my readers.

I feel lost and helpless.