10/20/2022

Job interview happened at 9 a.m., it took about fifteen minutes, I fretted about how I came across, spoke briefly with Leah, then went to therapy at 4 in the afternoon. That helped a little, but only as a band aid.

After that, I thought a lot about motivation.

How I will have motivation and pride in doing the fortean website. Most times I am happy to have written something, but often I hate the process. Now and again, I hope to get some links for the weekend which spark my imagination but that's not guaranteed despite the fact that I gather a goodly amount of links for the site.

On the other hand, I enjoyed composing those little comedy podcasts for a long-running web comic. This involved learning a sound editing program, being creative in a different fashion than writing, ultimately making something that I would enjoy. It's in this process that I found motivation coming from within and pride in the final piece, even if a few times I submitted the podcasts reckoning they're "good enough". That pride reminded me of the feelings from producing heptapod.org, tweaking, updating, and evolving the website over the years and making it a part of me.

To another extent, there's the astronomy club newsletter which also got tweaked, updated, and became more refined in its presentation and production over the course of years. Most of the times I didn't care if I had an audience or many of the astronomy club members probably didn't read beyond scanning for mentions of their names. On the other hand I became bored with the astronomy club newsletter, and coupled with irritation because all I seemed to hear were complaints and criticism about what I wrote within those pages.

Maybe smartphone distractions and a divided attention span are not culpable for my creative drought and a lack of creative obsession?

I know with my halting attempts to outline and write that I lack self-confidence, and tell myself no one will want to read anything I write. WOrse, I don't think I will enjoy the process since I am very hard on myself, and I won't enjoy the final product. Potentially leaving it in a development hell or simply calling a piece 'mediocre' and hope the next attempt will be more successful./p>

On Wednesday night I forced myself to go out, I wrote this in my yellow notebook at Johnny Mac's. I m not feeling it, to be honest. Being out, that is, but I am finding a groove in journalling here. It was nice to not be home. Reckon I am bothered that Leah is at her riend Josh's birthday like it's something fucking special. These are not healthy thoughts nor are they eliciting healthy feelings and emotions. Worse, when I went to that Hallowe'en event in Holmdel, I saw Josh's food truck was set up. The sight of it made a mediocre night feel worse because of the associations with that person. From those rise thoughts of being thrown away and being easily replaced.

Christ, I am making myself unneccessarily angry. All that anger is just going to burn me up on the inside.

And if it doesn't, I'll become confused, tell myself all of this right now is punishment for dumping raddidge in Colorado and perhaps that's made double for how I treated Malyss.

I'm ruminating now and it's not very healthy.