4/12/2023

My day started terrible. Cried at a bit at work, but not because of my job. The negative dialogue in my head was going non-stop and it was particularly vicious to the point I agreed that following through with the inevtiable was a good idea and continuing was hopeless. I lacked the werewithal to stand firm and tell it to shut up.
Lunch took forever to come around, much like when Vito Spatafore in The Sopranos when he was hiding out in New England from the New York crew and had no concept of time while doing an honest day's work. When one o'clock hit, I hit the armchair, pushed up the legs and leaned back while doing breathing exercises. When dreams came they were fitful, fast and blurred, with an overwhelming feeling of defeat. At least when I got back to my desk at 1:57, I wasn't about to drowze from boredom.
Around half past four I texted Leah to see if she was home but she was in Trenton. I explained my situation and she recommended reaching out to my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law. She invited me over to talk a bit since she was "in" for the night and wasn't about to leave the premises again. She listened to me, offered to order delivery, but I declined. She did offer to make me hard boiled eggs that I'll pick up on Thursday and I'm grateful for that.
Between texting Leah and the visit, I texted my dealer in Whiting, my friend in Bloomfield who reached out to me since she knew I was struggling yesterday, and Sarah way down in south Jersey. I almost messaged my friend on LBI but I didn't want to seem like a creep, also going to LBI means going down the parkway, through Manahawkin, over the bridge to LBI and up the island. Lemme tell ya that's a hike and a half. So I decided to get dinner on my way home and eat it alone. First I thought about going to the Town and Country diner since they're cheap and good, but I'd have to hang a u-turn.
Rather I chose the Miracle Pub and much to my surprise there was outside seating. Wound up with a good and chatty waitress who seemed to be more truly friendly than just waitress-friendly. Funny thing is she repeated her name to me several times and I've never had that happen before, whether eating out alone or with someone else.
As I was finishing up she asked if I wanted dessert then said she'd sit down with me and share it too.
Nah, I shouldn't be here in the first place and I don't have a beach body.
She was kind and supportive, like how I shouldn't care then mentions how a recent customer asked if she was pregnant. She doesn't look pregnant at all and I said she's just jealous.
She gave me my check then sat down across from me anyway, asked where I was from and we chatted for a bit. Then as she was getting up I asked if she takes cards then fished out my Ouija board business card and handed it to her about as smooth as Ex-Lax.

Nu, let's see if she messages me.

If not, at least I took a chance.

Best of all she didn't look at me like some cringey incel hitting on someone outside of his league.

Back in the 'hood I bought a game on Steam for my friend Wednesday since Wednesday is his birthday. Chatted with my dealer in Livingston by voice memo too.

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