12/4/2023

The company Christmas party was okay.
Just okay.

Most everyone at the party were loud, shouting, hooting, and hollering. I was one of the first early arrivals, found a seat in the middle of a long table so folks would sit near me. I knew if I didn't then no one would've sat near me in the first place. Watching the others arrive, I saw cliques take form and felt even worse about myself and very apart from the world despite being surrounded by other people.
Sure I like going to Johnny Mac's to sit, write, and have something to drink amidst a crowd of twenty and thirtysomethings feeling content being alone in a crowd.

Kept asking myself, "Who are these people to me?" Still the question didn't assuage my loneliness.

Tried to remind myself of something that I told Wednesday in Ohio, "People always show their best selves and it creates the illusion how they are happy all the time and are living a peerless and fulfilled life." I was audience to people putting on their masks so they could have fun.

My dealer in Livingston said it best to me.

It's hard not to feel lonely in a crowded room. I don't think anyone hates you, people are self involved and adults in work situations usually have some kind of emotional armor on and you are very real, and sometimes I think that makes people feel weird in their armor.
I think you being quiet makes it a little harder, yeah, but also I heard you doing some really great reframing, (e.g. "Who are these people to me"") that's what my former therapist would tell me when I would see the negative vision first. Being alone in acrowded room full of people feels like garbage so of course there's a negative feeling but who are these people to me question shows that you do know what's important to you and how to highlight positive aspects. I really like the way you go into so many situations just open and hopeful and those are good things it's just hard sometimes.

She added a postscript.

I'm sorry it was a bummer of an evening but I don't think anyone at work hates you, they just don't really know you.

Sunday I volunteered at the cat rescue. After spending time in the kitten room, and let me tell you there's a muted tortie who is more of a hydrated oxide, red, than iron dioxide, black, who did nothing but purr.

I did take care of the cats in Toms River on Saturday. I recorded them complaining about being hungry while I opened up two cans of wet food.