12/7/2023
Drawn across the sky
Hiding Earth's wretched foibles
Evening's long shadows
I wrote this haiku on December 1st but didn't post it because I forgot about it.
fuliginous ravens
roosting under a full moon
frost covers warm earth
I found this haiku from Leah, of all people, dated February 5th, 2009 in my email.
thief of mine, grow too
plundered garden, my thoughts grew
still roots poke through dead
Briefly texted with my friend in LBI, who is temporarily not living in LBI due to home renovations, and mentioned how I bought a ticket to their show on December 9th. They told me how two close relatives will be at the show along with one of her friends who I briefly met in the summer at a marijuana pop-up near the cat rescue.
Oh.
I mentioned that I have a Christmas card for them and decided to make a point of just passing her the card and getting out of the way.
At the time I was laying on the pine needles along the pond near my job. It was cold but not the kind of cold forcing me to stay indoors. Having the cold December sun and a semblance of nature is helpful, but the aforementioned news didn't set well with me. As I walked up towards the street I shouted "Fuck" for catharsis which did not come.
In my head I saw the scene as a progression of comic book panels as drawn by Dave Sim and Gerhard, best known for Cerebus The Aardvark. I saw the meticulously crosshatched background of nature then a bird's eye view of me lumbering up towards the street in my tuque. The next page was a series of three horizontal panels. Top panel featured the leafless branches of winter trees, maybe a single leaf dancing in the wind. Middle panel was a violent word balloon with "FUCK". Bottom panel has the same scene except a handful of birds are taking flight after being startled. Once I stepped onto the street, the real world was the world around me.
They told me, "I've been terrible w time management and I drive so much that I've been rly struggling to see people that aren't close by or have time when I do"
To which I responded, with a defeated tone which wasn't conveyed, "I understand and have no expectations."
"No expectations" is defeatist bullshit taught to me by my biological father whe he was alive. At least from Leah's example I should have expectations. Then I subjected Wednesday to high school whining about how I'm trying to cope, telling myself it has nothing to do with being fat, being old, not having my shit together, nor being ugly. I found a smidge of comfort when I realized her first love will always be dance and everyone else will play second fiddle in her life.
From there I remembered the first affirmation from that list of affirmations I posted on Easter earlier this year. In short: Mixed signals are not a sign to try harder. Finally got it through my thick skull this is a "mixed signal" situation.
Stepping back, the realization hit me how when I hit a setback that I don't want to fucking pursue anything in that vein anymore. My psychology being, "I didn't get it the first time so why should I bother again?" Perhaps I'll just be lonely for the rest of my days.
Some brighter news, I finally submitted my application for a Communications Technology Position with the New Jersey State Library.
