12/8/2023

A haiku I wrote as a caption for the following selfie posted at InstaGram.

cold december sun
yearning branches in mourning
reveal what was lost

kaddish for summer
gray sand scattered like ashes
gulls reel in sorrow

snowflakes like ashes
trees witness innocent deaths
scattered young corpses

clearly stars made us
forming our planets and homes
warmed by their fire

heavy winter snows
still and silent solitude
a warm heart inside

good news

I didn't get a second interview for the job at the online university as an editorial assistant, but I sent thank you letters and an inquiry as to their search. The latter is how I found out I wasn't in the running for a second interview. The head of the search committee encouraged me to apply for a job at the state library, and I eventually did as mentioned in yesterday's entry. After I told Leah that I applied, she said to reach out to the head of the original search committee and see if she could put in a good word for me. Such an act is anathema to me and my personality, having low self-esteem and such, but I did it with a brief email. The head of the search committee said she would much to my surprise.
I'm hopeful but realistic about my prospects.

On Thursday I was chatting with a woman I only know online. She matched with me on Bumble a year or two ago and it seems we've kept in touch on SnapChat. During the conversation I used "bb" in an informal fashion and to be funny. She responded she is not a "bb" but a woman.
Oh boy.
My brain kicked in, started thinking , "How can I help her?" among similar thoughts. Then it dawned on me that I want to please women in a non-sexual context because I don't want them angry at me. Followed the causes for such thoughts and went back to my dead-to-me biological mother who couldn't give two shits about me. Moreso was never satisfied or pleased with anything I did for her. Probably the same with my soon-to-be ex-wife as well. More realistically it's exactly despite me giving her the benefit of the doubt and telling myself it takes two to tango.

I forgot to mention one thing concerning the company Christmas party from Saturday. The boss seemed to be genuinely happy I had attended, rather than just merely saying "thanks for coming". Flash forward to Wednesday with the big monthly meeting where he says the party was a huge success and he was glad everyone was mingling with each other. I felt a bit awkward and after the meeting I went up to him, explained how I'm socially akward and he reiterated that he was happy I had attended the party.
I felt like I was wanted at the company and I belong there.

This Saturday I'm going to The Strand theater in Lakewood for The Wag's Christmas show where my friend from LBI will be performing. I'm bringing her Christmas card and that's all I'll be giving her.
No flower.
I don't want things to be weird esp. since she said her mother and another relative will be in attendance along with her manfriend.

On Sunday Tash will be trimming my beard.