12/14/2023

Been thinking over some rules of life as I shared last Easter.

Last weekend I used "Mixed signals are not a sign to try harder" and I am still despite feeling a bit down. Now it's the rule "Life changes for the better when you stop being subtle about what you want — in a relationship, in bed, in a career, and on your pizza." All day through Wednesday I'd been thinking about my friend Sarah, a potential missed opportunity from before the pandemic, and kicking myself since one regrets what one didn't do as opposed to things done in life. Sometimes I think Sarah is cold and disinterested, but those apprehensions stem from fraught relationships with women starting with my biological mother.

Fraught is an understatement. She is a nitro-charged cunt on wheels and I've been working to overcome that trauma.

Digression aside, the handful of times we have hung out, I realize I am distorting what I see and it is easy for me to blame myself and my self-victimization, with its concomitant insecurity since I never feel right when I judge people. Maybe I'm thinking about her because "'tis the season" with emphasis on being together with friends, family, and people.
Maybe it's my shitty, but hopefully brief, living situation forcing me to consider doing things to mitigate the shittiness with new happiness.
Maybe it's me being older and, somehow, aging a day after my birthday is enough to get a ball rolling. Or at least consider kicking it and let momentum take its course.

But Sarah is happy with someone and it'd be a dick move on my part to even broach the subject. Also she's been generous in ways that I don't believe I deserve, and I don't want to lose anything since I feel I have so little and want to cling to everything in my life. No matter how small and it doesn't feel like it's enough to gamble away.

But I could roll the dice elsewhere. The path not taken, rather than the one considered but stayed the course instead of starting a new journey. So I feel myself stalling out and knotted up, I'm hoping getting everything down in writing will help me decide rather than dither.

Maybe I should ask a friend rather than talking into the void.

after work

After work I went to CostCo, got a six dollar dinner of two pizza slices, a hot dog and a Pepsi. After I wolfed that down, I set about doing some worldbuilding by describing four alien races of my own design. It scratched a creative itch and I feel less unsettled having returned to the penthouse.

good news

Went to therapy on my birthday. My therapist said he would be interested in adopting the momma tuxedo cat mentioned in a recent entry.