2/10/2023

The dream began with me viewing a snowy courtyard surrounded by red brick buildings from above. Below there was an adult yelling and reaching after a little kid, maybe three or four years old, in a snow coat running at a white and black kitten. The fucking brat kicked the kitten, who was initially curious and friendly, then the cat ran off to what I presumed to be dangerous territory while the adult continued to uselessly yell for the kid to stop. I wanted to swoop down and beat the kid bloody for hurting the cat.

The danger giving me anxiety for the kitten was traffic, so I zoomed down and landed outside of the courtyard except now it was springtime. Standing on the grass by one of the red brick buildings I discovered I was markedly shorter and three cats walked up to me. One was white with yellow or orange tips. Another was cream like a Siamese without the dark parts. I was only aware of the presence of the other cat, but I don't recall that cat's appearance. These beasts were welcoming and glad I was there, but they didn't butt their heads against nor rub against me. Looking at their faces I saw their eyes were half-closed, signifying happiness and contentment, with a beatific je ne sais quois to their demeanor. To the best of my reckoning they were happy about the reason of my presence, coming to the aid of that white and black kitten.

I didn't see the white and black kitten again.

Work was benign but ended on an anxious note. One of the lower level managers asked to speak with me in her office and she closed the door. I'd only been on the job since the 25^th and have no idea what I could've done to warrant this so I wasn't that anxious.
Earlier in the week I went to lunch and sat in one of the big, overstuffed armchairs in the company TV room. I awoke soon after my nap started because someone walked in and turned on the light. I remember asking, "Would you just turn the light down a bit?" and they left. That person, I don't know who because I really wasn't looking at them nor paying attention, mentioned it to a manager saying I was 'upset' precipitating this 'talking-to'.
My last hour of the day was uneventful, I had a good hold on my anxiety but after I left the anxiety started to fire itself up. Pretty cetain the accuser is a woman and I have profound issues with women. I'm sure they leveraged my size and appearance against me, playing the victim as if I was some rabid bear intending to rape then eat their corpse. This anxiety colored my dinner with my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law who listened to me vent, and I kept regretting showing that side of myself as if I was shooting myself in the foot. Whether I was adding to her anxiety for me, her anxiety for her safety, and so forth.
Fortunately she reassured me that it's okay to have these feelings and express them to someone and she doesn't love me any less.

Since losing my job as a title searcher I've been more isolated than usual.

On my way back to the 'hood, I phoned the employee assistance hotline that Leah gave me. I originally called it to find a male therapist around Neptune or Toms River but I needed to see about helping my anxiety. A male therapist because I realized I've fallen into a routine with my current therapit, a woman, and probably I'm trying to please her more than actively seeking help from her. After ruminating on the situation for more than two months I drew the conclusion I've gone as far as I could with her and need to do deeper work, where I feel challenged rather than validated, and go to the next level for my mental health.
I talked about my fraught history with women ranging from my biological mother and beyond, how women in authority stress me the fuck out since I'm replaying that biological-mother tape as a defense and I brought up the dark baggage with women from before. I am afraid I freaked out the therapist who answered the EAP line, a woman, because I kept reading her language as being 'Okay hurry up and end the call because I'm done here'. So I went with my gut instinct and ended the call.

Went to Wal-Mart to see if they had zero magification readers, they did, but they commanded the princely sum of $9.97 for one pair. Wound up buying a pack of five for $19 and change off Amazon. Took a remarkably gross poo in Wal-Mart as well. It was 'blonde' and probably made up of the clementines, the banana, and the oatmeal I ate for breakfast. What came out appeared to be not-unlike oatmeal.

One thing I did discover is that 1.0 readers mean no magnification. When reading online or paper, text is blurry but I can puzzle out what's written on the page if the room is bright enough. When wearing no-magnification readers, that text becomes crystal clear despite the readers providing no magnification.
Is this some weird placebo effect?