"...I will tell the audient void"

I've been hard on myself to a great degree, and in the same measure I've been hard on other people in my head.

For example I want to write but the only writing I'm doing is journalling at my vanity site. Whether I'm at the bar trying my hand at being Bukowski/Thomas/Hemingway or on my laptop, I'll scratch or pound out a few hundred words trying to give myself perspective on life. The harsh part of my mind will berate me for not being creative and just engaging in mental masturbation. The kinder, yet softer-spoken, voice shrugs and says "At least you wrote. Who else writes as often as you? You did a good job."

Bringing me to the topic of gaming.

I want to write my own fiction (even if some are pastiches) and stop the constipation of self-doubt in my head. Sometimes things move and the words flow, other times I'm stuck writing in Esperanto to my friend in South Korea or journalling.

On the other hand I could kill two birds with one stone: Write a gaming scenario. I'll be writing and I'll have the potential of socializing. Sure it's derivative and draws upon someone else's work, after all I have one or two Lovecraft pastiches on my back burner, what's so different in this case? "Well..." I'll complain, "I don't want to run. I just want to play."

"But you can't play until you find a stable group. You can find one if you run a game."

From there it's like a stereotypical Dungeons and Dragons game which ends with "Rocks fall, everyone dies" but in this case those rocks are self-doubt.

But I think I will write a game scenario. Maybe a world as a sandbox, hopefully find people interested in gaming on a regular basis. Plus I'll be doing creative writing even if it's within the boundaries of someone else's world. What's important is creating my own characters with their own backstories then making them live for the players.

As for "kink", I think my attending munches was a fool's errand. I have many deep-seated issues with intimacy, it's difficult to share myself, and one or two interactions which were kink-related but under vanilla circumstances wound up being extremely judge-y despite the kink community's fa├žade of inclusiveness and acceptance. Those experiences were balloons full of diarrhea that splattered everyone else and I'm reticent to try again.

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