2/25/2023

For a long time Leah and I didn't engage in marital relations. Certain aspects of her reminded me of the angry relationships associated with my sister and biological mother. For whatever reason I found myself reading the Wikipedia article concerning lesbian bed death and found this bit:

"...The 'urge to merge' was already stronger in women than in men, so two women in a relationship would result in an overly close connection, one so familiar that sex would come to resemble incest, thus inhibiting its expression."

My troubled and adversarial relationship with the women in my family, coupled with Leah's strong personality, my mental and emotional scars, compounded by growing gigantic and impotent while taking escitalopram then citalopram was a recipe for disaster. Somehow in my fucked up mind I projected those two people onto Leah in a superficial manner. Leah's ensuing character and mannerisms reinforced the projection from me, therefore I fucked everything up.