3/1/2023

On Thursday night I have my second therapy session with my new therapist.

Out of boredom at work I began listening to a new podcast called Decoder Ring. It's about popular culture and it's a typical liberal NPR podcast. The liberal was reinforced as the show's host became insufferable in the episode about Truly Tasteless Jokes. She interviewed Ashton "Blanche Knott" Applewhite in two parts. The first part was a typical interview and happened in person while the second half happened over Zoom where the host took off her gloves and drove home her agenda of, "Don't you think the joke books were problematic?" Following that was analysis by a woman professor talking about the deleterious impact of tasteless jokes on people to emphasize the agenda.

I realized one thing: News and podcasts really aren't about politics but rather distracting their audiences from real issues like the economy. The right rails about 'wokeness' and the left's focus on identity politics leading the United States of America straight to hell. The left rails about identity politics, positioning the right as latter-day neo-nazis (which I can not argue with), while neither really go into depth about the economy, economic inequality, and other topics which affect all of American society. There's lip service when NPR does, "Let's do the numbers" by reviewing the stock market's activity for the day, talking about the Federal Reserve and whether they'll raise or lower rates to fight inflation, along with the rate of unemployment in the country.
By avoiding these topics, not making them accessible or approachable, puts them on the 'backest' of backburners in the minds of their listeners. But hey Ron DeSantis is Hitler 2.0 and let's discuss pronouns with our intern with pronounced vocal fry.

One factoid mentioned in that episode was how women typically initiate divorce, not men, which hit many of my buttons. I felt how women would hear I'm separated/divorced but assume I'm the villain, how I must've cheated or beaten her or something just as terrible. From there I spiralled a bit and affirmed to myself that everything is my fault.
Tuesday afternoon was rough.

The other night I dreamt I was looking in a mirror and I was really old, like eighty or ninety. My eyes were sunken, my head was bald, and when my mouth was open I could see my jaw had shrunk and began crowding my teeth together. Not that my teeth are attractive now but they aren't that much of a hot mess. When I was out of the bathroom, the dream changed and I think I was entering my dream life or at least fantasizing about a life and set of relationships/friendships meaningful to me.