3/29/2023

I refinanced my car. My credit rating is quite good despite my fucking anxieties. I'm poking a bit at worldbuilding an alternate New Jersey with a basis in my Changeling: The Lost campaign from back in 2015. Already I've created a character who is part of that background, and I'm incorporating some real-world lore from the very earlyy 20th century into the setting.

On Sunday I volunteered at a local cat rescue. There's a 7 year old black cat named Odin there and I'm fond of him. On Monday the rescue posted a photo of Odin and I commented how I wish I had a place where I could have a cat. After hitting send I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts of, "You'll never have one" and "You're just going to wind up homeless or worse" along with other toxic self-talk. I was able to quiet it down and get back to baseline but it troubled me.
The pain in my left hip has diminished but out of curiosity I photographed my hip and I thought I saw bruising in the photos. So I went to Leah to take a look and she said she saw no bruising. She touched both my hips at the same time and just said, "We're gettin' old." She asked me how volunteering at the rescue went and I wanted to know if she had a minute or two. Told her how I am fond of Odin. How I find a parallel, sympathy with him.
Odin's seven years old.
Middle aged for a cat.
Now he doesn't have a home and lives at a rescue.
I broke down and cried saying that's just like me. I ugly cried but Leah had me stop. She wasn't a bitch about it, just guarded.

I left, ashamed for showing any vulnerability. Leah also said she is managing some shit in her life. On Tuesday she texted me how she doesn't have any fuel in her tank to help anyone else.

Via the internet I discovered there's a 3D printing model, a STL, of the Cthulhu statuette from H.P. Lovecraft's Call Of Cthulhu. Asked around for recommendations on where to have something printed out and someone on reddit wound up printing Cthulhu out for me and a little bust of H.P. Lovecraft. These are going on my desk at work.

a three dimensionally printed rendition of the cthulhu idol from the novella the call of cthulhu by h.p. lovecraft rendered in purple polylactic acid. it resembles a monstrous human with the head of an octopus, tentacles instead of a mouth, and dragon wings on the back. there is a three dimensionally printed bust of howard phillips lovecraft using the same purple polyactic acid.

There's a really nice bust of H.P. Lovecraft that I would like to get printed out for my desk.

a file rendering of a bust of howard phillips lovecraft featuring more detail than the small bust in the aforementioned picture. at the base of the bust is a nameplate bearing lovecraft's name. decorating the chest area of the bust are a few ominous tentacles rising about him.

I dreamt that I was in my car on the surface of Mars. The sky was the 'butterscotch' color NASA insists is the true color of the martian sky. A dust storm was raging, which doesn't mean much considering the density of the martian atmosphere and the very fine regolith particles swirling around, but the storm made for a nice show. In the car with me was a woman, let's call her Leah because I think she was Leah yet I remain uncertain. There was a cop outside of my window and he vomited on my car.
Thank goodness my window is rolled up, eh?
For some reason Leah rolls down her window, another cop (or the same cop), vomits white shit in my car. Like the android 'blood' from the original Alien film.

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