Get one of those detachable showerheads. Crank the heat. Power wash everything everywhere all at once despite going, "ootch eetch aitch ootch".

Scrape off that first layer of filth with an unrelenting and painful stream of scalding water. Even waking up your stupid fat balls.

Once you are flooded with endorphins, start soaping and scrubbing like so many chums then rinse it off.

You will never feel better or cleaner or fulfilled until you endure this ritual celebration of your corpse.

Do it every day and feel like God surrounded by a legion of angels sing 🎶 Holy holy, glory to God in the highest, allelujah! Allelujah! 🎶 Your flesh and blood will be clean enough for your disciples to partake in your memory.

Pity souls like me who can only enjoy these splendid ablutions infrequently, resigned to engage in empty rites which accomplish the necessary basics and instill profound doubts over the thoroughness of one's cleanliness.

Yet this evening I celebrated high mass then napped naked upon a large leather couch with cats. Such a moment will be held holy and as encouragement to elevate my station.


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