an old dream from 5/4/2015

I dreamt of elephants. They weren't African nor Asian, and I can't figure out their particular breed.

I'm lazy so I'm going to cut and paste shit I posted online while I was at work.

the fall of the forty fifth

Tranny Oakley hitched up her skirt and bent over to unleash the loudest and vilest Chinese buffet fart with warm splatter all over Emperor Trump's Praetorian guard who were in hot pursuit. The rough and horny men in black stopped and began licking each other clean off the vile, brown liquid. "Now's our chance!" she whispered to trans Anne Frank. "The etherferry is powering up its phlogistonic clockwork drive!"
In the distance a coyote howled in distress.
The unconquered roadrunner remains unconquered.

The Emperor contemplated his unusually puffy waist. "Giuliani!" The Emperor shouted, You are my trusted majordomo!" The Emperor leaned in. His breath rank with McDonald's special sauce as he whispered. "You don't think people realize I wear adult diapers, do you?" The balding attorney snorted briefly, "My lord! Sorry, my nose was backing up from the cocaine I just tooted. By no means would anyone suspect you wear diapers!"
Deep down Giuliani retched, imagining the Emperor's nuts and wang smooshed in day-old, crusty poo.

The sun set behind the Make Mountains Tall Again Mountain range but the imperial airship fell faster and burned brighter. Smoke and biting cold wind whipped Emperor Trump's ruddy, angry face, "Epstein's Cockring! Is this truly the end of me?" Suddenly the phlogiston tank's ether balance failed, detonating and annihilating everything in a 50 meter radius.
Peasants cheered under the new, but brief-lived, sun.

Amidst the eternal blaze of hell, the former Imperator Rex Maximus stood nude, flabby, and baggy before the gates to the 9th circle of hell. A familiar face with a German accent greeted him, a Charlie Chaplin moustache wiggling impishly under a thin nose. "At least you tried" he shouted before the pair were thrown headlong into Cocytus towards Satan's hungry maw.
"I AM SICK OF GERMAN FOOD" rumbled Lucifer. "HURP!"

Then trans Anne Frank and gay Elon Musk kissed sending gay Elon Musk into anaphylactic shock. "I am genetically modified for you to be deathly allergic to me. No amount of benadryl can save you, Elon!" Her voice triumphant over the emerald heir's gagging and wheezing. She redistributed Elon's wealth, ate Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates in a single gulp and declared herself Chief Executive of Planet Earth.
The ewoks danced.

random fantasy

Boris wept before the mountain of cooling meat that was his best friend and mount.
Arrows, spears, and broken blades stuck out at unnatural angles from her feathered hide as an ocean of lukewarm blood spread underneath and nourished the barren soil.
"I raised her since she hatched." His voice broke for a moment. "Polished her horns, adorned those tips with gold, and decorated her frill with war sigils. She served me well."
Boris drew a deep breath and wiped his eye, "Who wants a drumstick?

steampunk fantasy/horror

No teeth!" whispered the human to his vampire lover. "Hm... well maybe just a little." The pair giggled in the dark, put on their black gibuses and steampunk goggles. Soon the martians would begin their assault on Victoria Base in the heart of Tycho but the combined armies of werewolves, vampires, and frankensteins were ready for anything.

saint young men, but gay

Buddha's voice filled the studio apartment, "Who clogged the toilet. Again?!" Siddhartha knew the answer but wanted Jesus to own up for once. Instead Jesus kept playing Angry Birds on his phone and buying power-ups with his dad's credit card. "Not meeee~" he giggled as he homphed a giant carne asada burrito with extra beans and cheese.
Buddha sighed, at least Jeez pays the rent on time.

"What are you doing in my room, Jesus?"

"You have pretty feet. Can I wash them like it's Holy Thursday?"

"Oh no, not this again." Buddha rolled his eyes. "No. Last time I couldn't get the smell off for days."

"Come ooooon!" whined God's only begotten son.

"Somebody ordered the elephant vindaloo?" asked Ganesh through teary eyes. The Door Dash bag hung heavy in his hand. Buddha's heart ached with sympathy looking into Ganesh's eyes. Sandalled feet scurried up behind him.

"This better not be cold! Did you get the instructions? I have a raft of allergies and if you got the order wrong you'll be in TRRRRRRRRRRR-ubble!"

Ganesh and Buddha sighed and shook their heads. "At least he scrubs the toilet", shrugged Buddha.

"Look what I can do!" chriped Jesus.

Buddha peeked into the kitchen. The Son of God waved his hands and turned water into Mountain Dew. "I made enough for both of us."

"That's... nice. How about stopping school shootings?"

"Not until I get more thoughts and prayers. Wanna play Mann vs. Machine in TF2 or are you chicken?"

"Chicken? More like seitan." chuckled Buddha as he waddled to his computer.

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