5/15/2023

I have a friend way up in northwestern New Jersey, somewhere nestled in the Kittatinny Mountains, and we have made plans in the past about meeting in person but they always fell through.
Why?
I don't believe in myself. Insecurity had me flake out.

Fortunately she doesn't hold it against me and after I made an offhand remark on one of her social media photos, expressing my appreciation, she pretty much said I'm still welcome to stop by.
Wow and holy shit.

Checked in on my friend on LBI and learned she wound up going to urgent care for a 'lady issue' and needs to visit the gynecologist on Tuesday. So far, everything seems good but she feels a bit off. She expressed her esteem for me and what I have to offer. She really is great and I'm soft on her. Just would be a good thing to get to know her more as an individual.

Spoke with Sarah and it was a good thing. She sent me a selfie where Sarah looked like she was going to attend a renfaire. Nope, just her everyday clothes and recently she was able to make the outfit work. Well girl, let me tell you something that outfit still would've worked with fewer parts but you do you.

As for my dealer in Whiting, she seems to be okay but honest to god she is killing herself working these side gigs with her health issues. I worry about her. I want to give her some measure of comfort and make her happy. Plus she's a good woman and I'd like to see if we'd be friends or not. I mean we're friendly now but it's about friendship. The je ne sais quois greater than being merely friends. I mean people who come together over 'hate' can be friends, but once the object of their hate is gone then what else do they have in common?

Thing is I have crushes of a sort on all of them, including my barber even though I presume she wouldn't be interested. I am managing these feelings quite well right now. Two of them are being tempered quite easily since one is in a relationship and the other is married. The former I do respect wholeheartedly. The other friend is down for some things but not all things, and even then the things she's down for would make normies go, "Why that?" I felt a bit of that pinch of what kids call 'a crush' today. In anticipation of my visit, I dropped a nice chunk of change for things with the potential to enhance our time together.

On Saturday I was thinking to myself about how I wish I did have someone. Just today's attention did me well. Reckon the attention was magnified 'cause of the weed I've been smoking and the remaining ripples from Thursday's mushroom trip. Not to mention I was volunteering at the cat rescue. Seeing those little souls does me well.
Was thinking about cats in general. How they domesticated themlseves, rather than having to be domesticated by humans (a sign of their innate intelligence). Their aloof demeanor sets them apart from humans, and from the experience of dogs. Dogs act like they want to be human. Cats know they are equals to humanity, but they are appreciative of those who take care of them. With cats one knows they're with an alien entity, akin to a fae or a sprite, rather than a sycophantic predator with endemic neoteny defining their existence.

Since I don't believe I have agency in social settings, nor do I believe in myself on principle, I figure if things are happening in circumstances outside of my comfort zone then it must be the work of destiny or fate, rather than acknowledging I truly am the baker of the bread known as my life.

So I figured, "This is a lot like The Lathe Of Heaven" where the protagonist George Orr changes the world in his sleep. Except when I go to sleep, in this case between Saturday and Sunday, a greater agency is molding reality to become more amenable to me. Since I'm in a fog of marijuana smoke I'm going to make very simple declarative statements and position them as gospel. It's a form of spivak's razor summed up as, "If it seems right, it is!" I am spivak in case you didn't know. Visit me at LambdaMOO. Anyway making a long story longer, I believed I dreamt the goodness of Sunday into existence.

Right now I really don't know what to think since I'm stoned.

Perhaps this serves to build momentum, and confidence, heading towards Summer Isle Burn, ĉu ne?