11/27/2023

What city in the USA has the most doors?
Knoxville

writing about writing

Gotta say my shitposting about Titi, Pipi, and Didi helped me last night. My little bits of writing, like the vignettes about the Hunter class ships of the humans also helped my mood.
Last night my friend who trims my beard said I should write out my life, longhand, for catharsis. Talking to her was uncomfortable, plus I went away wondering if I pissed her off.

the saga continues

A nurse in black scrubs, facemask, and wearing a bad blonde wig came into Chad Beefingto 's room pushing their computer and test equipment and closing the door behind her.
Chad was in an opiate haze, his face wrapped up like a mummy.
"Privyet, comrade Chad. I have proposition to make for you. Do you wanting revenge?"
"Mmhm huhha hmph hrr."

She sat on the bed, breaking all professional protocols,and removed her N95 and wig revealing her identity. The "deceased" Vladimir Putin spoke with a low voice. "I am knowink who did to you this" pointing at Chad's chin. "The same also made with making me removed from power in Mother Russia. We have axes grinding, not?"
Chad's eyes widened then narrowed at Putin, quietly conveying how he was listening.

Months later Chad was outside, enjoying the cold breeze off the Black Sea against his skin. Beefy fingers rubbed his new jawline appreciatively. From what Professor Markov Markovich told him they grew a new skeleton using a novel, porous ceramic. His existing bones were now stronger than titanium, and replacement bones grew from his stem cells and the intravenous solution.
Putin rode up behind him astride his bear Bobo, "You are lookink good, comrade. I have made surprise for you."

A five minute elevator from Putin's secret dacha to what appeared to be a morgue a mile underground made Chad anxious and excited. Bright lights gleamed off the stainless steel gurneys and refrigeration units. Atop two of the gurneys at the center were two shrouded bodies.
"Ve have vord the droidino Titi.is not alone anymore. There are two henchwomen working under her. Zo we create you two brothahs."
Chad winced, "So that is why my nuts hurt after Markovich treated me."
"No pain, no gain."

Standing a full head above Chad was a darker version of himself, "Behold Brad! He has tremendous healing factor. Watch!"
Putin pulled out a shotgun, pulled the trigger, and Brad's exploded like an overripe pumpkin. The body started to slump then righted itself. Chad watched in awe as Brad's head reformed. "Ha ha ha, das is good joke!" then Brad kicked the mess of his old head under a gurney.

Thad, on the other hand, was built like a brick shithouse. "Thad. Go in locker and get large bar for me."
Thad grunted, left, and returned with a green metal rod the diameter of Chad's forearm. "Is Putinium! Strongest metal ever. Landed in Tunguska long time and recovered. We have only samples. Thad! Bend!"
Like wrapping a ribbon, Thad bent the two meter rod into a pretzel. "Look good" he grunted then bit a piece off like it was a bagel, spitting the bit onto the floor.

"You three will be known as 'Banda Sudnogo Dnya'. Your first mission is destroy Pussy Posse. Your flight to Fort Lauderdale leaves in two hour."
Brad, Chad, and Thad regarded each other, trying not to freak out seeing the variations on the theme of Chad's DNA. Surely they were brothers, but had wondered if they'd have his or Putin's back when the chips were down.

"Wooooo!" shouted Didi over the chaos of spring break as she bounced around, "Hahahaha do you like why I am called Didi?"
Titi and Pipi covered their eyes as Didi soaked up the adulations from the appreciative crowd. "We aren't here to party" complained Pipi.
"Pfft, Phil didn't see it then the Pussy Posse didn't do it." then whipped off her Shonen Knife shirt and whooped a warcry to which horny college kids joined the wild chorus.

Titi and Didi commanded everyone's attention, they were topless but no one could tell from all the beads they wore. Amidst the chaos of 80s hair metal blasting and drunken debauchery there was a little fuss in the crowd. Pipi caught the crowd parting a bit and that rift made its way towards the stage.
Emerging from the crowd was another droidino with mismatched eyes, badly buzzed violet hair, and a meson cannon hefted over her shoulder.
Bzzt. Bip. "🎵Everybody melt now🎵!"

Nearly one hundred Greeks fell into a biological puddle of radioactive goo. Bottles shattered on the pavement and screams like a hurricane filled the air as survivors slipped and slopped on the remains of their companions.
Didi and Titi stopped kissing and pouring champagne on each others body and watched the horror unfold before them.
"Fuck."

Pipi slammed her shoulder against the motley droidino, sending the meson cannon scattering. Titi and Didi switched from party mode to battle mode, noting the interloper was disarmed making the battle much easier for them.
Didi leapt high through the air and landed on the prone droidino, "Why did you do that! We were having so much fun!" punctuating with a fist to the head. A dull rhythmic thumping caught Titi's attention. "A Kazan Ansat? Here?"

The helicopter hovered over the square blowing everyone's hair and kicking up droplets of those pursuing degrees in marketing and business into the eyes of the Pussy Posse. The motley droidino laughed and sparked, "You trouble this time. Kiki brothers come for Kiki! And they do not have your bubblegum"
Three figures leapt one hundred feet down to the gore drenched plaza.
Tears welled up in Pipi's eyes when she recognized who she presumed was the leader.

a little worldbuilding?

Okay so Kiki is villain comic relief made of destroyed droidinoj salvaged by the russkies. Chad and Pipi are tsundere for each other. Huh. I have plot threads. Dr. Bob has a spoilery secret.
Oh maybe instead of Russia, it's a fictional Esperantujo?
Esperantujo is the proposed name for a nation of Esperanto speakers, should it ever come to pass. Esperanto for "one who hopes" and the language. -ujo is a suffix meaning container. So... container for Esperanto speakers.

The following story is bilingual and I leave it to you, gentle reader, to use Google Translate to find out what's being said in Esperanto by the antagonists.

invading the esperantujo

David cowered before Zamenhof IV upon the verdant throne. "Ĉu vi konas la kialon ke vi estas ĉi tie, kulpulon?"
David spat, "Me ne kum-PRAY-nose."
Zamenhof IV slammed his scepter upon the floor and green knights rushed in. "Lernu Esperanton!" echoed through the chamber. Strong hands encased in metal hauled David away to the lernejo. "No! No! Help!"

Next to David sat an old man, covered in suchid tattoos. "How long have you been here?"
The old man lit up, "English?"
"No, American!"
Tears welled up in the old man's eyes, "It's been years since I've heard it. My nam...."
There was a thunderous bang as a tall, gaunt figure in a green robe sauntered in. Upon his shoulders were epaulets shaped like owl heads. His pate gleamed in the firelight as deep-set eyes gazed upon the prisoners.
"La malbela bebo dancas malrapide."

The prisoner struggled against his restraints as La Instruisto loomed menacingly overhead, sharp teeth exposed by cruel smile.
"Oni lernas Esperanton amikigi." followed by barking out, "Ripetu bonvole kara!"
David screamed, veins popping out on his neckand forehead. "No! Never! Help! Rape!"
La Instruisto slumped their shoulders and sighed, "Gardisto! Prenu la bongusttan ĉokoladon al mia nova amiko" pointing a bony, pointed finger.
Screams echoed through the lernejo's corridors.

Later that night after supper, David eventually composed himself. It was a long, strange day where La Instruisto gave him... chocolate? Rather than slop, the jailers gave him a tasty vegetarian meal. The cot was comfortable enough, but it was no Tempurpedic. "Those monsters."
He heard someone crying nearby and ran to the slot of his door, he stage whispered, "Hello? Hello? I'm here! Who are you?"

"I've been here for years. Years! Sure they feed me, try to force their language on me. Once they even sicc'ed Adamo and Sofia on me." The other prisoner's voice cracked for a moment, followed by a cough.
"How terrible. Don't worry, we'll be busted out of this shithole tout-de-suite! The Crocodile is on his way."
The other prisoner started wailing. "What!? What's wrong?"
"Dear boy... I am The Crocodile."
Strains of Una Furtiva Lagrima echoed through the silent corridors from the guard room.

Today David found himself in a bright room with large barred windows. A comfortable white couch was in the center along with a coffee table covered with magazines and books. A coffee pot percolated happily in the corner.
A slight knock then the door opened, a raven-haired beauty with green eyes wearing a tight, black latex outfit entered, "Saluton. Bonvole pardonu La Instruiston sed li estas malsana. Hodiaŭ mi estas via krominstruistino. Mi estas Sofia."

The antilingual nanites in David's brain were working overtime, giving him a slight fever as they fought to keep him from learning Esperanto. Sofia whispered to him, "Vi estas tiel bela, sinjoro. Ĉu vi ŝatas min? Ĉu vi volas vidi miajn mamojn senvestaĵe?"
David's eyes were shut tight, tears leaking from the corners, muttering, "I'm fucking doomed."

Confused, sweaty, and with ruffled hair David was escorted back to his cell. One guard grunted, "Dushu bonvole. Vi sentos pli bona poste, ĉu?"
David turned around and shouted at the closing door. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" with the latch's click punctuating his question.

A small swarthy man in a suit strutted into the Emperor's throne room, "Doktoro, ni enketis nian novan amikon kaj trovis maŝinetetetojn en lia cerbo."
"Chu vere? Maŝinetetetetojn?" The staid leader was surprised.
"Ne, maŝinetetetojn. Ne estas tiel malgranda kiel vi diris." the small man bowed, "Sed plu malgrandaj. Ni konjektas ke la mashinetetetoj maltradukigas ajn lingvon krom la angla do nia nova amiko neniame komprenos la internacian lingvon."

The next day La Instruisto returned and pushed a bulky, menacing gadget into David's cell. "Bonan matenon, kara! Mi volas kunhavi muzikon per mia malnova radiricevilo." The hawkish, skeletal man pulled out two large, menacing clips atop red and black wires. David recoiled, awaiting the shock treatment. Doc said the nanomachines would survive the shocks, but would he?

With a puff of ozone, the machine began to hum and static was audible from the speakers. "Vere estas malnova. Ni ne povas spezi monon por novan radricevilon kaj ĉi tiu plu funkcias krom ĝiaj rompitaj pecoj."
Sweat beaded on David's forehead as La Instruisto began to fiddle with dials until the speaker blared, "🎵 Ni bovinoj ŝatas muĝi! Kaj manghadi freŝan herbon! 🎵" "No! Stop! This is against the Geneva convention!"

I wrote most of that while volunteering at the cat rescue. Today I was talking to the 6th grader who volunteers at the cat rescue with his mom. I said I was interested in learning Python and wondered if it was easy. He responded, "Why? What do you want to do? Write a game? Web app?"
Well shit, I have no idea.
I hope I'm not becoming an old man who's out of touch with culture, technology, and society.