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                                                                        |___/ 

"You know a real friend? Someone you know will look after your cat after you are gone."
— William S. Burroughs

10/27/2022

Leah's in the hospital for a laproscopic procedure. Turns out they wanted her to stay again overnight because of some funkiness they saw in her levels. After a hectic day of title searching, I went from Toms River to Stafford to check in on her. She seems to be okay. When she brought up Edna, so I knew what time something happened, I felt very weird. Glad she didn't ask, again, "What really happened beteween you and Edna?"

I remember quite recently where Leah tried to corner me with that question and I said, "There's nothing to say. Nothing happened. And if something did, I don't kiss and tell."

Anyway I continue to be haunted by the memory of Edna. For example, I went out to dinner after I returned to Neptune after visiting Leah. I was in the Blue Swan, ordered french toast with steak and eggs which happen to come with toast (rye) and homefries. Waitress brought my french toast then I had to wait several minutes 'til my steak and eggs came out whereupon she apologized thinking I wanted the french toast first then the steak and eggs. "No, it's cool. Seriously" then I went back to flipping through nonsense on my phone. A few moments later, by my reckoning, this heavy blonde lady comes in but she has an auburn-haired younger woman in tow. Auburn's cheekbones are high and they're rosy. Something about her eyes bewitched me. For the rest of my meal I kept my eyes fixated on my food rather than looking up and seeming like a creep or a weirdo wondering what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. Plus I am probably her dad's age. Still there was a je ne sais quois about Edna there, probably because it made my heart say in a hoarse and half-hearted whisper, "I could fall in love with her."

10/28/2022

Leah is home and safe. I am gettng stoned and mildly fretting how I've been remiss writing here.

10/29/2022

I won $300 at a costume contest where I dressed up as Hagrid. I brought along twelve Hogwarts acceptance letters to randomly give out to people. Mostly to folks who asked to take a selfie with me. Wound up meeting someone dressed as Harry Potter and got a selfie with him and his lady friend. I didn't catch their names. The first place winner was Eggman/Dr. Robotnik from Sonic The Hedgehog and third place was a woman dressed up as Maleficent.

a photograph of the author of inkubo dot org wearing steampunk goggles, a long leather coat. the author has a wild mane of hair and a large, bushy beard.
a photograph of the author of inkubo dot org with someone dressed up as harry potter.
a photograph of the author of inkubo dot ork with the lady friend of harry potter. maybe she was hermione? i did not ask.

10/30/2022

Went to Leah's to carve pumpkins. We talked a bit where she mentioned how she reached out to Edna LaMontagne Voegele's parents. Edna's mother posted on Facebook how she's assembling a 'friends quilt' at long last.
Back in late 2017 I was doing bookkeeping with Edna at her parents's place and her mother asked me to make a square for a quilt project. There was an envelope full of smaller squares to assemble into one square. I don't recall the dimensions but each square was made up of at least 4 by 4 squares of remnant cloth of different patterns and colors. Edna's mother said to choose what pleased me and assemble them for the quilt.
My square was mostly of my own choosing, but I selected the same squares selected by Edna LaMontagne Voegele along one side in hopes they'd be connected in the quilt. Since this was forever ago, I don't recall what my contribution even looks like nor do I have a clue if Edna's mother will sew those two together.
Leah brings up how Edna's mother invited her over for some family event and Leah is going to attend because she hasn't seen Edna's older and younger brother in years, to which Leah said they could feel like strangers considering the time passed between them, and how Leah's not entirely keen on seeing Edna. What's interesting about this development is every now and again Leah will ask me, "What happened between you and Edna?" to which I responded most recently, "That's between us and I don't kiss and tell, even if I did kiss even though I didn't. If she wants to talk about it, that says a lot about her character. Not mine." Leah didn't bother me again, but I reckon Leah will ask or Edna will just tell Leah out-of-hand.

I do not care.
A part of me wants to know what is said and what kind of conversation comes about, but it really is none of my business.
At best, Edna tells her story and Leah makes a defense for me and somehow twangs a moral chord inside Edna.
At worst, Edna tells her story and smears my name.
Either way I gain nothing.

Hallowe'en

I have no real remembrance of Hallowe'en. I scanned and uploaded my work then proceeded to get stoned to the point I fell asleep at 7 p.m. and woke up around 11 p.m..

11/1/2022

I worked at home all day. Went to Brick to meet my dealer and pick up a quarter ounce of the Euforia strain which is quite nice.

11/2/2022

I keep feeling the world is coming to an end. Not the planet, but the world. The world is the organism on the planet, a self-aware skin which is shed every couple of aeons or fewer so the planet's life can remain vigorous.

11/3/2022

It's election season and the Monmouth county republicans are sending me absolute crap about "BiDeNs LaWs WoN'T HaPpEn HeRe" and other bullshit. Thing is I'm only getting flyers from the republicans. Democrats, on the other hand, couldn't give two flying fucks about me. Hell, I haven't a clue if the democrats are sending mailers to other citizens of Monmouth county or not.

So I left a voicemail for the Monmouth county democrat office and left my number with my inquiry. Also mentioned I'm independent because democrats-as-we-know-them aren't liberal enough for my tastes. I want balls-to-the-wall European socialism and protections. Instead it's just a bunch of MAGA trumptards using dark filters to make liberals look menacing.

Which is ridiculous considering democrats haven't been riding around with fascist flags, they haven't stormed the Capitol, they are critical of the Supreme Court but at best they're making it so justices can't eat out in public because the public is voicing their displeasure with the Supreme Court's interpretation of the United States Constitution.

In other news, I have a favorite porn video. Two, actually, and they feature the same woman. Funny thing is that I wasn't able to find the sauce except for one search for "latina woman does (act)"
A little before my 7:20 a.m. alarm, I was browsing /gif/ on 4chan and some anon said, "Oh you're a fan of (porn star)!". This woman isn't a professional porn star, rather she does her own clips and sells them on various sites around the internet.
This pleases me.

There are only two women in porn who have captured my imagination. One because she resembles Edna LaMontagne Voegele and this performer is known for doing lactation videos. For those of you playing along at home, Edna LaMontagne Voegele has fantastic tits and I was always distracted when she was over to do bookkeeping since she had, as Leah put it, 'nursing nips'. This revelation came about early on, October of 2016, when Edna came up to Leah and talked about how she had a rash on her chest then proceeded to show the rash to Leah which happened to include her tits. Also Leah let slip that Edna has a firebush. When Leah told me that, I immediately heard the jungle ambience sound played on the old Howard Stern Show whenever some thot came in to get naked for radio fame. A close match for the sound effect is this video of laughing kookaburra birds.
At the time that juxtaposition was more hilarious than anything, but I was still fucking fascinated by her tits. Still am to an extent.
Not a fan of bush, but not in a position to be a choosing beggar.
And I've gotten off-track.

The other woman is this particular woman who I recently discovered her identity. To be brief, she clearly enjoys what she does.
Kind of like Claire from Gloryhole Swallow. After Claire went off the deep end with four visits to the gloryhole and a stint in professional porn with Exploited College Girls, she became a born-again Christian, got married, and posted some cringey YouTube videos e.g. Video One and Video Two.

Good lord this is cringey and makes me come across as an incel.

11/4/2022

Work, eat, smoke dope. Life is routine.

Last night I spoke with one of the women who live downstairs. There was some drama in the house because someone was spreading a rumor how she was having her boyfriend "shack up", as the kids like to put it, in her living space and she addressed it in the house text thread.
I was cooking dinner when she came home and I caught her attention. She retold the story but let me know one little detail, she heard about the story being spread from our landlord. Funny thing is our landlord is possibly "knocking boots", to use youthful vernacular, with the other woman who lives downstairs. For those of you playing along at home, the woman who lives downstairs is also the one who had her ex-con boyfriend living with her for a few months until he demonstrated how his criminal and violent instincts were not overcome after his stint in the pokey.
The landlord threw him out on a rail.
As far as I know, the guy across the hall from me is too busy hustling a buck to talk shit about anyone. Except maybe complain about the state of the downstairs toilet. As for the guys upstairs? One guy's new, the other guy is either coaching soccer or working, the other guy is the landlord's friend, and the landlord also lives upstairs.
It doesn't take more than a handful of braincells to assume the source is the other woman living downstairs who is potentially engaged in "intimate relations" with the landlord. For what it's worth that woman is trouble, and I sincerely hope the landlord is well-aware of it.

11/5/2022

Coming back from Ocean County I was listening to a podcast called The Hidden Brain because it's always enlightening when it comes to human nature. The episode in question is part of their Relationships 2.0 series entitled "How To Keep Conflict From Spiraling". The podcast began with a premise based upon a study with the hypothesis of people who have differing opinions may moderate them or avoid conflict altogether if they kept eye contact. Eye contact is vital for relationships and they cited mothers and children engaging in eye contact, lovers using eye contact, and so forth. In a moment I realized one of the reasons why Edna LaMontagne Voegele made such a huge impact on me.

During our time bookkeeping, while she was staying for days at a time at the house, I would fall into a funk or feel defeated after interacting with Leah. To the best of my recollection Edna caught me in those moments and forced me to look her in the eyes.
Funny thing is that recollection was combined with the many times where I didn't look Leah in the eyes. How I mostly avoided her gaze, looking at her forehead or mouth rather than into her eyes. Something about looking Leah in the eyes was scary, perhaps I felt too vulnerable. Doubling down was my fear that somehow I'd let slip more ammunition for "Leah's gun" to use against me at a later date.
Oh god, I have to explain that weird metaphor. "Leah's gun" I just made up off the top of my head, but I always told my therapist how Leah has a penchant to collect factoids, trivia, and facts often given in confidence only to use them against the person who shared them at a later date during a fight. Those bits of trivia, facts, and whatnot were ammunition and today ammunition is for a gun. Nowadays I hold my cards close to my chest even though I'm sure Leah will happily say, "Oh you just think you're holding them close to your chest. I know everything and I'll call you on your bullshit" or something along that vein.

Yet Edna LaMontagne Voegele made a point of making me look her in the eyes. Centering me. Grounding me. Looking in the face of someone who gave me kindness that I rarely experienced in my life. Someone who cared enough about my state of mind to put forth that effort, without judgement, to calm me down without using the irredeemably stupid act of telling someone to calm down. Fucking hell, that was like (I presume) trying heroin then never getting another hit again. Sure there might be weed or alcohol or sugar, but they won't get down to the nitty gritty basic functions of delivering pleasure like heroin. Now I'm thinking of Sweet's "Love Is Like Oxygen" and the lyrics "Love is like oxygen, you get too much, you get too high, not enough and you're gonna die. Love gets you high". How did I get this far without that kind of love and affection? Especially the kind which felt selfless and done solely for my sake.
Jesus Christ, Edna LaMontagne Voegele knew how to speak my language and everyone around me has been speaking Greek since the day I was born. Some might've spoke a dialect or knew a pidgin, yet Edna LaMontagne Voegele was better than a denaskulino because her actions were spoken from the heart and not the mouth.

Maybe I figured out a bit of that puzzle and can throw off this heartbroken obsession with a wonderful woman who gave me everything I needed since birth, but I could only smell it cooking in the kitchen but never, ever allowed to eat it.

Oh yeah, as for that study which began that episode of the Hidden Brain? The researchers discovered how eye contact only intensified the enmity between those holding differing opinions.

Whoops.

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