fina retpoŝto

Edna,

Since talking with you Wednesday morning (3/27/2019), I’ve been mulling over many things. The instigator here being a podcast called The Allusionist. The podcast is about language, along with the origins and meanings of words. This episode’s word was about trust. In the emotional sense, rather than the fiduciary sense.
One part stood out to me, and a subsequent discourse aligned with what I’ve always imagined to be the manifestation of trust. It starts around the 12 minutes and 57 seconds mark.
“So I think there’s a vulnerability that most leaders, they’re very frightened of talking in that language of uncertainty and vulnerability which is so tied to trust. The biggest jump you can have in someone trusting you is when you say ‘I don’t know the answer to that, or ‘Will you help me?’, or ‘I’m not sure’. Like that’s how you earn people’s trust. It’s not through overconfidence or always telling people you know what the answer is.”
Simply put, I trust you. But the greater understanding comes from the latter portion of that pull quote about strength and confidence. Those aspects aren’t hard and immutable, but resilient. From what I see in you, I can now appreciate it. I can see how it comes from growing up surrounded by love, but also being able to live love as a lifestyle. From this comes confidence, strength, and the ability to adapt without compromise. Like succumbing to rage and wrath.
There’s a little tale which I’ve come to embrace, and fully appreciate its message of late even though I knew about it since kindergarten. The sun and the wind had a bet to see if they could get some poor soul to remove their coat. The wind blew and blew and blew, but the person just held their jacket tighter and tighter. The sun came out, shone as always (if not a little brighter) and the person removed their jacket.
For half the time I’ve been in New Jersey, I’ve been trying to be strong. I’ve been urged to be strong. I’ve been ordered to be strong. Often times told to “suck it up” with the only reasoning behind that admonition is the fact I am male. Reckon it was a contributing factor to me having a week-long vacation back in August of 2011. But after I began healing myself, with therapy and other avenues, it’s like I only knew the best way to live and interact with people but I wasn’t able to articulate it. Probably because I had no frame of reference nor analogous situations, but today felt like everything fell into place in my head. How I can be a kinder, and more loving, person rather than quick to anger. More importantly, to be resilient without thinking I’m enduring “deserved” punishment but being forgiving towards others without compromising myself. Like being a doormat or punching bag.
Reckon it’s the main reason why you are such an important human being in my life. I don’t use “human being” easily because it does carry a certain weight beyond a mere person. You’re a role model without even trying to be one. You are true, even when it comes to your own foibles and transgressions. You know the importance of communication, how important it is to you like when you said you were more interested in talking with the other people at the party rather than getting into the party’s purpose. I’ll never be like you, and I’m glad, because I will be myself which will be far more true than trying to imitate anyone else. And I’ve been having more of these feelings of gratitude in general.
I hope this finds you well, and look forward to seeing you soon. Hopefully on a warm Friday in spring.

Chris S.
Anomalist, esperantist, cyclist, typist, dodecaphile, ailurophile, and oneiromancer. Chris lives near the shore with his wife, cats, and the Jersey Devil in his backyard.

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