I’m in a strange place in my head. I asked Steph if she was going to Sarah’s party on Saturday, but she said she really doesn’t know Sarah so she won’t be going. It was my way of asking if she’d like to come with me.
I’m still going to the party. But after that brief interaction, I felt such a rush of anger towards my biological parents. How they could give two shits about me, the neglect, the abuse, and all I wanted to do was beat the living shit out of them.
When I came home, I found 4 Ways to Release Anger Towards Your Parents. First point of business is to acknowledge my anger. Done and done.
Second point of business is to talk about my hurt. Ongoing, after a fashion.
Third step? Set boundaries with your parents. Been doing that since 2013.
Number four is the tricky bit: Love yourself and believe in your worthiness. I don’t feel worthwhile unless a woman loves me. I don’t feel worthwhile unless a woman is giving me attention. I might as well not exist unless a woman is giving me attention, positive or negative.
For me this need, not a want nor desire, is like the body’s need for oxygen. Metaphorically I’ve been living in Tibet all my life, and coming down to sea level tells my body that there is something else which is good in the world. Sure, living at 16k feet/5km above sea level can toughen someone up but the cost must be dear.
I’m ending this post because it’s going to spiral into unnecessary self-pity.