11/10/2021

Leah needed help trimming the cat's claws on Monday night. She said one thing which rubbed me the wrong way.
"...since you moved out"
Correction, she threw me out. I just left well before her deadline. God only knows what tantrum shitstorm I would've faced if I didn't leave.

autumn

Ten minutes after sunset, 4:44 p.m. according to Star Walk 2 on my phone, I'm driving down Route 66 east towards where I live in the 'hood. There's a wooded spot near the exits to reach Route 18. Typically looking into woods means staring deep into shadow, but there was something about the sunset filling the area underneath the canopy with reddish-gold light. It was an otherworldly sight reminding me of the other worlds around us, whether down the street, in the woods, or someplace else and how they all have something marvelous to offer. Due to traffic I couldn't pull over on the side to admire the scene. Maybe tomorrow or Thursday I'll make a point of entering the woods.
Who knows, I may not come out.
Or if I do come out, it'll be decades later and I haven't aged more than a day.

horrible anxiety

I was in a hurry to leave for work. The landlord was in the kitchen and I said, "Hey boy, have a good day!" Five steps later I realized what I said and my conscience began slowly shoving a machete called anxiety through my chest. My landlord is African-American. The entire drive to the Ocean County County Clerk's office was me screaming at myself, saying "Kill yourself", and ranting about he's going to kick you to the curb.
Work was just work. I muttered books and pages under my breath but when I found myself alone in the searcher room the mental self-abuse kicked into high gear. But significantly quieter considering the circumstances. My last job was persnickety and I couldn't get around a 1977 deed. Funny thing about deeds which are nearly 50 years old, from a 21st century perspective it seems like whomever set up these documents was playing fast and loose. "Aw, you don't need the lot and block" or "You can get the recital for the property... on the previous deed which I purposefully did not recite! Why? The law doesn't require me to do it!" And the further back one goes, the recitals begin to change and appear to be a completely different parcel of land.
Despite my mind's endeavor to put the job first and my personal demons second, it didn't entirely work. Back in my car my mental self-abuse started up along with the shouting at myself all the way 'til I reached Best Buy in Brick. Unfortunately Brick didn't have the gadget I sought, gonna have to buy it off Amazon, so I went to Costco for cheap eats.
Two slices of Costco pizza, a hot dog, and a Pepsi later and my inner demon wasn't satisfied.

Now I'm safely locked up in my room. I brought in the trash cans for the house and took out my garbage. I reached out to my sister about quelling anxiety and she urged me to be kind to myself. Earlier I contacted my friend in LBI in hopes we could hang out sometime soon since being in their company tends to be therapeutic after a fashion.

reining it in

In one of the calmer moments of Tuesday I reflected on how crazy I was acting in private. I immediately thought of Edna and the many times where I started to be carried away by my thoughts and how she'd grab my arm, turn me and force me to look her in the eyes. Somehow I would calm down.
Also I remember this one time where I had an anxiety attack and she sat next to me in the sunroom and read from an ebook she was able to get for free off of Amazon thanks to some Amazon Prime jiggery pokery.