10/13/2021

Well this is annoying. Came home and saw that I had a bill for $350 to cover my yearly physical. Leah says I'm still covered. Hopefully I'll have this sorted on Wednesday morning.

I'm fairly stoned right now.
I was thinking about my personality. How my biological father always was fake, acting like one person is his favorite person only to turn his head and speak ill or express annoyance with that person. My biological mother wasn't social at all. So I wonder if my personality is "Don't be fake" and it comes easily since not being fake means having no visible reaction. One thing I learned is when someone sees they got a reaction out of you, they suddenly feel like they can control you and take advantage of you.
What's worse is during my monthly support meeting I got to talking with another attendee and I became aware all I could talk about is how I have suffered. What the hell? Reflecting more, I realized I only remember bad things. I don't want to be the "misery chick" like Daria. Yet I'm so guarded and independent and quiet.
Perhaps I'm overthinking things and making myself frustrated and angry with myself at a perceived lack of agency. Yet it's resolutely in my power to affect that change, but do I want to? If I don't then I can only blame myself. Just right now is not a good time to be rational because of the delta 9 rushing across the blood/brain barrier.

I forgot what I was going to say after that last paragraph. So maybe tomorrow there'll be more.