1/23/2022

On Sunday at 13:00 I will have "session zero" for an online Dungeons & Dragons game. Session zero is a planning session where a gaming group sets up a new campaign, builds characters, figuring out expectations, establishing house rules, and other stuff. Much like negotiation in the kink community. An aside, the venn diagram of kink and roleplaying games is a circle. I've gone ahead and created four characters and they're characters, rather than being optimized builds where personality is developed later on.

  • Aldon Skullsplitter - Half-Orc neutral rogue: A skinny, physically weak but tough and fast fellow. He acts like an edgelord, pretends to be an urchin whose parents were murdered for being an unacceptable pairing, and he demands everyone refer to him as a half-elf. The only truth to this line of bullshit is Aldon is half-orc and half-elven. His parents are alive, an orcish blacksmith and an elven tailor, and living happy, middle class lives. They are very concerned for Aldon's well-being and the crowd he's taken to running with since he left home. He wants to join a group of adventurers in hopes of making a name for himself. At level 3, he might become an arcane trickster.
  • Dave Threeleaves - Kobold paladin: Dave was a human but he was transformed into a kobold after wiping out a small troop of kobolds in cold blood simply because they're kobolds. He retreated to the wilderness to hide his shame, as being a human and a paladin were tightly bound together in his mind and expectations. Over the years he's interacted with kobolds, made a few kobold friends, helped a kobold now and again, and Dave reckons he's ready to rejoin civilization and continue his calling as a paladin. He wants to be a part of a group because kobolds are always stronger together, drawing upon the kobolds's pack tactics feature, and wouldn't want to become human again. At level 3, he might assume the Oath of the Ancients since nothing is older than a dragon.
  • Gale Michigan - Water genasi cleric: A nobody found himself caught up in a storm caused by an elemental rift out in the middle of nowhere. When he awoke after the storm, all memories of his former life were gone and he was laying at the bottom of a lake. When he emerged from the water, the locals hailed him as a genius loci of the lake, brought him offerings which led Gale to believe he's a god. A temporarily inconvenienced storm god and wants to regain his former divine glory. At level 3, he'll take on the tempest domain since it matches the flavor of the character. He'll join a group because he reckons they can benefit from his guidance.
  • Ori Steelblood - Dwarf artificer: After decades as a mercenary, this veteran grew weary of seeing death on both sides and shaved off his beard and moustache since they're only worn by warriors. Think of the Amish who do not sport moustaches since moustaches are worn by soldiers. He chose to become a protector of the defenseless and will go out of his way to avoid killing. At level 3, he'll take on the armorer subclass. Ori believes he can do more good and protect others better with friends than by himself.

Life feels a bit lonely, if I haven't written that before, but I am trying to turn things around. I constantly doubt my friends, believing I like them more than they like me, the voice in my head constantly diminishes me. From here I become afraid to reach out. When I want to reach out and talk about stuff, the voice says I'm being narcissistic. All I want to do is have a little perspective that isn't my own which can be needlessly cruel. And I think if I divulge this to a friend or confidant, they're going to hold me in contempt and rethink how they think of me.

One thing I've struggled with for most of my life is that my self-worth tends to hinge on what others think of me. Often this means I'll lean on one person, things get weird, and I wind up losing a friend.

One thing my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law said is she understands where I'm coming from and appreciates my situation. She tried to give me perspective that with the omicron surge, that's life for everyone. Yet there are so many other ways to reach out to people and communicate without spreading germs, but again I become afraid to reach out and I sit with my phone nearby in hopes someone will reach out to me.

Yet this is problematic, take this quote from the television adaptation of The Man In The High Castle: "The problem with promising people their reward in heaven is they're liable to sit on their asses here on Earth, eating shit and hoping they'll sprout wings real soon."
Sitting by the phone and hoping doesn't change things. Sure if someone calls, and it's not a robo caller talking about extended auto warranties but a friend there's a huge heroin-like rush. Still there's a fallacy here. Long ago and far away in Larry Gonick's Cartoon History Of The Universe Part 2 he related the parable of the farmer.

There was a farmer working his field when a rabbit dashed past him and crashed into a nearby tree stump. The rabbit died, the farmer took the rabbit home and ate well that night. A month later the farmer died of starvation because he was staring at the stump night and day in hopes another rabbit would come along.

Why am I so afraid? I have nothing to lose and everything to gain? It probably comes back to the ingrained thought of 'good' being fragile and gossamer, rather than enduring.

Fuck.

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